Five Things You Need to Know!

About Signs that Watson’s Jeopardy Win Has Gone to His Head:

  • Keeps sexting Charlie Sheen’s fax machine.
  • Whenever someone tries to turn him off for an upgrade he buzzes in and says “What is: I know where your kids go to school?”
  • Insists that he be allowed to link up with the Kardashian Mainframe.
  • In audition to appear on Wheel of Fortune, kept saying “Give me a D, or else!”
  • Even the smartest machine in the world is unable to come to terms with the fate that befalls all Jeopardy winners. Nobody cares.

 

About What We Can Expect From the Congressional Budget Process:

  • Traffic lights to be defunded as “retardants to assertive distribution of the tools of commerce.”
  • NPR to be reduced to “Car Talk” and “Wait, Wait! Don’t Abort That Fetus!”
  • Darrell Issa, suspicious of Chinese insinuation into our culture, will subpoena plants to find out why they turn toward the first bright yellow thing they see.
  • Republicans kill all high-speed rail lines except the one scheduled to travel through “the eye of a needle”
  • Newly elected House Republicans will stridently oppose any federal spending unless it is in support of something completely bat-shit crazy!

About Why Lottery Tickets are Just Like Cheap Whores:

  • Surprisingly, both are most popular with low income men.
  • If you are doing it right, both will end up with scratches.
  • Despite what they say, neither almost ever ends up paying for an education.
  • Both provide a momentary rush followed by a lasting feeling that you’ve been had.
  • In both cases, you’ll almost always be better served by buying a magazine and going to bed alone.

 

About How This Snow Storm Will be “the Weather Channel’s Super Bowl”:

  • There will be a ten hour build up to a three hour event.
  • The best part is the commercials.
  • Two weeks from now, only a few thousand people in Pittsburgh will remember much of it at all.
  • It won’t include New York.
  • All else being equal, the commentators will just get in the way.

About Why the Tea Party Won’t Stage an Egypt-style Revolt:

  • There’s nothing worth looting at the Creationism Museum.
  • Too many people would get injured at the pre-riot pistol brag.
  • Palin hasn’t found a way to attach a teleprompter to a bull horn.
  • Ron Paul’s supporters would see the riot police pushing the heads of innocent bystanders into the curb and forget which side they’re on.
  • They want to pour spontaneously into the streets and risk everything for their beliefs, but they haven’t yet found a bunch of billionaires and a TV network to sponsor the event.

About Signs That the State of the Union “Sit-Together” is Starting to Unravel:

  • Instead of the aisle that normally separates the sides, they have just drawn a three-foot perimeter around Nancy Pelosi.
  • Instead of yelling “You Lie!” the Republicans will hold up one finger and do the wave.
  • They weren’t able to include the Supreme Court, because they haven’t been able to pry Thomas’s lips far enough away from Scalia’s ass.
  • Rand Paul is refusing to sit next to Al Franken, because Franken will bogart the bong!
  • “No, Hillary, the President will still be standing alone.”

About What We Learned From This Year’s Consumer Electronics Show

  • People will spend more on glasses to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs than on glasses to see the world.
  • What happens in Vegas might not really work when they actually try to build one and sell it.
  • We apparently feel as though it is our duty to the economy to get  $200 tablet remotes to run the $1000 54″ wide screens hanging in our soon-to-be foreclosed homes.
  • Next year almost all of the major tech CEOs will pull into an IHoP just long enough to run in and  take a dump, because this year they heard Steve Jobs did.
  • Next year, CES should give dedicated first adopters what they need more than anything else–a deeper junk drawer.


About Whether the Republican Leadership has Abandoned the Tea Party:

  • The Congressional Dining Room renamed tea “Freedom Leaves.”
  • Rand Paul’s “office” is the far-back seat of Pete King’s Hummer.
  • The new Conservative Caucus slogan is “You Can Go Ahead and Tread on Them Once the Rich Get Their Tax Cut.”
  • They admitted that their “pledge to America” had about as much chance of arriving as their pledge to Haitian Relief.
  • If you really don’t understand how ambitious people could callously pretend you were included in their plans only to turn on you once they got what they wanted, just as that Black or Hispanic guy who came to your rallies.  They can explain it to you.

About the Fact That Snowmaggedon is Not Over Yet:

  • NYC DOT hasn’t gotten to your street yet, because the snow is four feet high, and they are still looking for the mayor.
  • The governor of New Jersey just booked a flight to Six Flags.
  • Lindsay Lohan shook off her boots and swore to the judge it was baby powder.
  • The most off the hook party this week was the Donners’.
  • This was just a warning. If there is a third season of Jersey Shore, God is going to get mad.

About Clues That There Really is a War on Christmas:

  • Cheney went years without celebrating, because he had other priorities.
  • Santa works for free while the government pays Blackwater a billion a month to initiate recovery ops on the cookies and milk.
  • Americans are told that if we don’t shop the terrorists win.
  • Anonymous but well financed hate groups are “swift-sleighing” John kerry.
  • “We ride with the reindeer we have, not the reindeer we want!”

About the Things in Christmas Movies That Alway Make John Boehner Cry:

  • The part where the people in the family learn the true meaning of Christmas.
  • The part where there’s a family.
  • The part where there are people in the family.
  • The part where it’s Christmas.
  • The part where it’s a movie.

 

About Evidence That Terrorists Have Targeted Your Salad Bar:

  • Your croutons have crew cuts.
  • A guy from airport security insists on feeling your chickpeas.
  • You get suspicious when your dressing is down to about 300 islands.
  • When you ask the woman in front of you what that brown stuff is, she says “The acrid messenger of your destruction! . . . I mean  . . . bacon bits.”
  • What difference does it make? If you are an American eating at the salad bar, the terrorists have already won.

 

About Why It Might Not Yet be a Good Idea for Gays in the Military to Come Out:

  • Now the straight soldiers will feel freer than ever to bother you about how you manage to keep that razor-sharp crease in your dress pants.
  • You can be up front about your sexuality when you are ordered to by Colonel DeGeneris.
  • Now when the officer says “Drop and give me ten.” He may not mean push-ups.
  • Lesbians, now the guys get to ask, and they really want you to tell!
  • Senator Larry Craig may want you to bivouac in his pants.

 

About Things That Make John Boehner Cry:

  • The thought that every time a champagne cork pops in an investment bank an angel gets its wings.
  • The thought that he lives in a country where even a lowly janitor can rise to a position of being able to champion policies guaranteeing that not just poor people, but middle class people and even aging professionals could have the same chance he had to one day become lowly janitors.
  • Getting up every morning in his Ohio district, looking out over a field of good ol’ federally subsidized corn and blessing the miracle of unfettered capitalism.
  • The thought of all of those brave men and women who rushed to the aid of the victims of the World Trade Center attacks.  He really misses the days when he thought about them.
  • Most of all, it is that every day he is inspired by the enthusiasm and heartfelt optimism with which the average American man or woman is willing to believe anything.

 

About Signs That Barrack Obama Was Your Babysitter:

  • He told the kids they had to be in bed by 9 PM, but settled on 1 AM because he didn’t want several late-night talk show hosts to lose their benefits.
  • Dinner was pizza with everything! He didn’t get the whole food pyramid, but three children went to bed that night having eaten fresh tomatoes that they might not otherwise have gotten.
  • Yes, he would have preferred Meerkat Manor too. But while they were watching South Park on Comedy Central, they were protected from the much more harmful effects of True Blood on HBO.
  • “Sure. Johnny gave Timmy noogies and dipped Tina’s hair in the syrup. But let’s look back just a few weeks to mom and dad’s last night out—when they went to the Olive Garden and stayed an hour longer than they said they would. The previous sitter not only allowed but some say encouraged purple nurples, wedgies and even Native American burns. Of course, any noogies are too many, but we have to ask ourselves if we are better off with the few noogies we have or do we want to give the keys back to the nurplers and wedgiers who got us here? I believe the answer is no!”
  • “There was a cat. He wore a hat. And, yes he did some things I did not approve of. And maybe in retrospect, I could have reviewed a few alternative choices. My advisors tell me there is someone named Horton who hears something called a ‘who?’ We may look into that. But we have to remember that now is not the time to merely say goodnight and go to sleep. Not on my watch.”

About John McCain’s Next Round of Roadblocks on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell:

  • He’s willing to try it for a couple of years, but just with the lesbians.
  • To demonstrate that they are really comfortable with gays, the Joint Chiefs have to recreate the video of In the Navy.
  • He finds that a mere 28% of soldiers is statistically inconclusive, and a Gallup Poll of 1,100 Arizonans proves his constituents agree.
  • “Let’s have that Edwards fella from TV ask John Wayne what he thinks.”
  • “Okay, I’ll give them the active military but not the National Guard. If the draft is ever reinstated, the next generation of Bushes and Quayles who dodge it should not have to suffer such indignities.”

About Signs That Spiderman: The Musical is Having Production Problems:

  • The kind of radioactive spider that bit him doesn’t swing from webs; it just jazz dances on the ground.
  • Those webs shooting out of his wrists? Slinkys!
  • The only the guy they could get to play the supervillain is that porn-loving, foul-mouthed puppet from Avenue Q.
  • Peter Parker has to earn money by taking pictures of Spiderman during his exploits. The guy who plays Spiderman has to make money by taking pictures of the stage during the shows.
  • Even Stan Lee doesn’t want to do a cameo.

 

About Sign That Your “Great” Black Friday Bargain Was a Horrible Mistake:

  • You don’t turn an iPad upside down and shake it to change the screen.
  • Yes! Those would be the best seats in the house . . . if this year’s Super Bowl were being played in Newark.
  • You are confused. The newest edition of Rock Band isn’t rare and hard to find. What’s rare and hard to find is people who still play Rock Band.
  • Your new TV is 3-D. Your old TV shows aren’t. You just bought a $1700 Viewmaster.
  • Oh, God! That’s not a Snookie Chia Pet! That’s Snookie!

About Whether Your Thanksgiving Dinner Guest Works for the TSA:

  • “Over the river and through the woods” is the order in which they search.
  • By the end of the month, you’ll still feel more violated than the original Indians.
  • Until all of that stuffing is gone, the turkey won’t be cleared for boarding.
  • He’s lying! It is not a federal regulation to pat down your “yams.”
  • Yes, he looked at your grandchildren and your Carnival Cruise, but do not under any circumstances agree to thumb through his photo album.

About whether Your Airport Screenings Are Too Invasive:

  • There is a whole new meaning to the phrase “Come an hour before departure.”
  • By the time you get to the gate, you are eligible for pregnancy pre-boarding.
  • The metal they detect on the flight back is the class ring of the guy who checked you on the flight out.
  • “Is that a stick of dynamite in your pants, or are you just glad to be screened by me?”
  • It’s confusing. Pay to check your baggage; then get screened. Usually the foreplay comes first.

About the Most Likely Plagiarized Parts of George W. Bush’s Memoirs:

  • The part where he refers to his female chief of staff as Hermione.
  • The part where he recalls being on the deck of the aircraft carrier declaring “Mission Accomplished” and thanking the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the other members of the international coalition, and his wingmen Maverick and Hollywood.
  • The part where at cabinet meetings Ashcroft kept asking if he could “pet the rabbits.”
  • The part where he said “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. “  But to be fair, it was the chapter on Cheney, and that part checked out.
  • Actually, I saw the original draft. The only non-suspicious parts were the pages that weren’t stained with Ovaltine.

About Signs Your Carnival Cruise is About to Go Horribly Wrong:

  • The stuff on the poop deck is actual poop.
  • When they said “Women and children first.” They meant the order in which we’ll be eaten.
  • Today on the Lido deck: Shuffleboard, Badminton and competitive bailing.
  • We don’t have a slip-n-slide; that’s the carpeting.
  • Hey, it wouldn’t be a “carnival” cruise if no one threw up on the rides.

About the Five Most Light-Hearted Presidential Moments in George W. Bush’s Memoir:

  • Around a week after the hurricane, Brownie dressed up as Waldo and had an aide take pictures of him walking around in the Superdome.
  • When those anti-war protesters showed up outside my ranch, I’d send a bunch of Dominoes pizzas to Cindy Sheehan’s son.
  • In our first emergency response meeting during 9-11, the new guy kept bugging us with stupid questions, so Cheney sent him out to dig up a connection to Iraq—although, in retrospect, that one got a little out of hand.
  • Abu Graib Jenga!
  • It wasn’t technically during my “Presidency” but if I had to pick a favorite–rigging Florida.

 

About President Obama’s Return to His Indonesian school:

  • He was hit with an 8 million rupiah library late fee for never returning Green Eggs and a Suspicious White Powdery Substance.
  • “He might be the most powerful person in the world right now, but to us he will always be the pucuk asparagus in the Healthy Foods Parade.”
  • “I remember: at his application interview he was all passionate and emotional, but after we accepted him he just sort of sat at his desk and did his homework.”
  • “I was his arts and crafts teacher. While all of the other kids were making handprint turkeys, he was over in the corner working by himself. I tried to help, but my English was bad. I did not even know what a birth certificate was.”
  • Obama was quoted as saying “I will tell you though that I barely recognized it as I was driving down the streets.” We thought he meant the old neighborhood, but he was talking about his original health care bill.

 

About Signs That Keith Olbermann’s Suspension Might Not Have Been That Sincere:

  • He served it from 8 to 9 PM Monday through Friday on MSNBC.
  • If you factor in setting the clocks back, he was actually in the office an extra half hour this week.
  • The order to vacate came attached to a lovely fruit basket.
  • The guy scheduled to fill in until he came back left town Saturday in the road tour of Pippin.
  • It’s MSNBC. They announced it to their viewers using a phone tree.

About What the New Tea Party Signs Might Say:

  • I’m still mad—but at who?
  • Most of our wackos lost, so back off!
  • Do you believe in Miraculls?
  • Obama is still Hitler, but the old, crazy Hitler not the scary one.
  • That’s more like it. You guys can Tread on Me all you want.

About What the Exit Polls Are Telling Us:

  • Who knew people threw tailgate parties at elections?
  • A real blow has been struck in this election for the Constitutional rights of corporations to exercise their freedom to express a preference without having to admit that they’d expressed it.
  • All over the heartland, people are leaving their kids with $2 an-hour sitters, so they can go to the polls and get those sitters deported.
  • Based on months of advertising, it came down to a choice between two psychotic hate-filled monsters who were beholden to special interests, lied cheated and stole, didn’t give a damn about “workin’” people, threatened the safety of our children and had mothers who loved them.
  • The biggest mystery remains why Republicans are so hell bent on wanting to run the government, when there are so many docile, apologetic and acquiescent Democrats willing to do it for them.

About How You Will Know the Election is Going Badly for the Democrats:

  • Sarah Palin is so excited she starts planning her electionation committee for 2012.
  • It’s only noon and even those really big Wal-Marts are already sold out of tri-corner hats.
  • Harry Reid realizes that it is time to pack it in and write his memoirs, then admits that even he wouldn’t spend money on Harry Reid’s memoirs.
  • Head of the Tea Party Express announces “What the Hell, Boehner! The polls have been closed for three hours and the place is still lousy with Mexicans!”
  • By two, the Chamber of Commerce has already converted its treasury back to Euros.
  • Angry disillusioned Democrats whose banks are still open, still have jobs, got a meaningful tax cut, have insurance that can’t be cancelled because of pre-existing conditions and can still buy parts for their American cars stand as one and say “Suck it, me! Your free ride is over!”

About Signs That There is a Razor Blade in Your Halloween Treat:

  • Your popcorn ball has the faint smell of Old Spice.
  • The dumbest guy on the block is passing out rectangular “tootsie pops” with blue plastic handles.
  • You’re at Johnny Knoxville’s house, and there is a live-cam in the yard next to a sign that says “Eat Yours now!”
  • The well-meaning but passive guy next door is passing out little balls of gauze.
  • The look exactly like chocolate-covered razor blades.

About Why Your Classroom No Longer Has to Wait for Superman:

  • Heat vision? X-ray vision? We don’t know. All we know is we came in this morning and Rico, the class iguana was a skeleton!
  • Every once in a while, he whips on a pair of glasses and says he’s team-teaching.
  • His emergency evacuation plan is “Go through the hole in the outside wall.” We say, “there isn’t a whole in the outside wall” and he just answers “yet.”
  • Cindy has been sheepishly asking if her school uniforms come in lead.
  • Every time he runs into our science teacher, he says “I’m onto you, baldy! You’ll never get away with it!”

About Signs That Charlie Sheen Was the Previous Guest in Your Hotel Room:

  • All that was left of the wet-bar was a wet bar.
  • The soap has herpes.
  • Keith Moon was resurrected from the dead, decided to relive the glory years of the Who, checked in, took one look at the room and headed back to the comforting safety of Hell.
  • Nine months later the sheets gave birth.
  • Denise Richards is standing outside the door saying “See. See! Complicated!


About Other Programming Changes at NPR:

  • Wait Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me falls victim to “the appearance of impropriety.”
  • Been There/Done That host fired after admitting that the “there and that” was View host Barbara Walters.
  • Latino USA host fired after she admitted that she “feels a little ill-at-ease” when she is around people wearing traditional redneck garb,while she’s taxiing in Arizona.
  • The Car Talk guys were fired after they told a woman’s mechanic that he should install his pole piece in her spray housing.
  • This show is not going off the air, but to appease right wing commentators and protect its funding, NPR is changing the name of Prairie Home Companion to Log Cabin Republicans.

About Signs That WikiLeaks Might Have Published Your Secrets:

  • This year’s Sweepstakes Come-On says: You May Already Be a War Criminal!
  • A recent poll indicates that you are less popular than MySpace.
  • The new excuse for refusing to have sex with you is that it would endanger the troops.
  • Aaron Sorkin is already at work on a movie script that lies about your life.
  • No, you aren’t important, but the guy lives in Iceland; he’s got nothing better to do.

About Signs That Your French Protest Might Not be Going Very Well:

  • Your lead negotiator just asked if that “eat cake” offer was still on the table.
  • You just got your ass kicked in a street riot by Madeline’s Head Mistress.
  • Can’t tell whether you’re suffering from tear gas or ennui.
  • The drum major of your marching corps just snuck off to bang Sarkozy’s wife.
  • You’re French, and you’re protesting.

About Whether That “Asian-Looking” Student Might Really be Hispanic:

  • When you ask: What’s the name of that fire-spitting reptile that has destroyed thousands of men? He answers: Shakira.
  • If you say: I will never forgive what you did to the Arizona, he thinks: “By sneaking in?”
  • He thinks Honshu Port is a box of wine.
  • When you bring up the Rape of Nanking he says: “I never laid eyes on the Hoe.”
  • To everyone else on the planet, Jose looks Hispanic!

About whether Your New Facebook Friend is an International Spy:

  • His favorite quiz is “Which Megalomaniacal Billionaire Industrialist/Mad Scientist Bent on World Domination Are You?”
  • She wants you to be her neighbor in SocialCollectiveVille.
  • At the bottom of his “What’s on Your Mind?” box, there are Comment-Like-Share and Disclose.
  • She keeps getting poked by Boris Badenov.
  • They know almost as many of the intimate details of your life as Zuckerberg.

 

About Signs That Sarah Palin Might Not be as Outdoorsy as She Says She Is:

  • She thinks Gorp is that robot from The Day the Earth Stood Still.
  • If you look real hard, you can sort of see the green screen color in her Raybans.
  • The other day she asked who catered the Donner Party.
  • During her brief stay in Girl Scouts, she was going to get her canoeing merit badge, but opted for Swift-boating instead.
  • She won’t even think about surviving a plane crash in a wilderness area without getting a hundred grand and a case of bendy straws.

 

About Signs That the Chilean Mine Rescue Might Have Been Faked:

  • The first thing miner #13 wanted to do was “see The Social Network” again.
  • If there were any chance of failure, the pod would not have been sponsored by Tylenol.
  • If the feed had really been live, CNN would have cut away at least three or four times to check on Lindsay.
  • Somehow miner #27 had been able to take Michael Vick off of his fantasy league team.
  • The 33rd miner was Joaquin Phoenix.

 

About Whether You Are Eligible to Vote in the State of Delaware:

  • You must have one of the following:
    • a high school diploma
    • a G.E.D.
    • a scroll from Hogwarts.
  • You must be able to recite one of the following under the following conditions:
    • the Pledge of Allegiance without forgetting any important words
    • the names of the current Governor and two Senators without mistakes
    • the Lord’s Prayer without bursting into flames.
  • You must produce one of the following, if asked:
    • a current driver’s license
    • a non-driver’s license I.D.
    • eye of newt.
  • Be knowledgeable enough to vote on one of the following public referenda:
    • War Powers
    • War Funding
    • Warlock.
  • Age Requirement. You must be:
    • 21 years of age.
    • 18 years of age and in the Military or Military Reserve
    • a 1,000 year-old whorespawn of Beelzebub.

About Signs that the Bank is About to Mistakenly Foreclose on Your Mortgage:

  • Last night when you bought a magazine subscription from that kid at the door, he asked for your forwarding address.
  • Even Suze Orman is refusing to take your calls.
  • Netflix is holding your next DVD at the pick-up window.
  • Last night you got your Christmas calendar from the bank, but it was wrapped around a fish.
  • Cats can sense theses things, and yours is selling herself on Craig’s List.

About Why Hillary Clinton Wants to Swap Jobs With Joe Biden:

  • So far, Biden has bought the story that they are moving the Executive Office Bldg. to Delaware.
  • Twice this week, Bill Clinton has slipped up and denied that he is “stepping out on Joe.”
  • Almost everyone in the administration agrees that it would be better for Biden to say the stupid things he does far away and in the company of a friendly translator.
  • Obama is still being too cerebral and unemotional, and nothing makes a guy want to go out and start a fight like spending a day with Hillary Clinton!
  • The proximity would make it much easier for Michelle Obama to begin the plans for her eventual $8 million worth of weddings.

About the Next Round of Features to be Added to Facebook:

  • Sorkinizer: With the a few simple keystrokes you can turn your loyal girlfriend of seven years into an hour and forty-five minutes of dating multiple strippers and whores.
  • Farmville, Mi Granja: From now on if you find an new Farmville neighbor with an even remotely sounding Hispanic name, he will have to send a PDF of his birth certificate to Sharron Angle before he can legally mulch your squash.
  • I just got “Hapless Idiot” on the What Clueless Massively-Exploited Facebook Rube am I? Quiz! See if you can beat my score!
  • We already mentioned “Clusters”—where you can make small communities of like-minded contacts with whom to share your secrets. To get you started we have auto-created “Future Bosses.”
  • At last you can now find out who knows what about you. You can’t do anything about it, but at least you will know.

 

About Fred Flintstone on His 50th Birthday:

  • Had to get regular brakes; sticking feet through the floor is murder on his support hose.
  • No longer needs for Wilma to run right to him—not in the age of Viagravel.
  • Starting to feel like a dinosaur in a time when that really means something.
  • Wrap up the wings of two young pterodactyls, lash ‘em to opposite ends of a pole, and you’ve got yourself a walker.
  • Nowadays when he goes to conventions and has to listen to Cartman heave F-bombs at Stewie Griffin, he wishes the old Flintmobile had a tailpipe.

About Evidence That the Inhabitants of the Newly Discovered Life Containing Planet are Like Us:

  • Their world has people and dinosaurs living at the same time. So technically, they are not like all of us, just Southern Baptists.
  • They have already denied Paris Hilton a vector for splashdown.
  • They have been monitoring our mass media signals and a couple of episodes into season two are sort of over Glee.
  • For the first time in history a blorgsnoot was elected Major F/#SSHHtzz, and immediately their right wing started spreading rumors that he was actually born on Flootus 3!
  • They have issued a travel advisory stating that any females who visit our world would be wise to avoid “the roethlisberger.”

About Why None of the $1.2 Billion in US Aid has STILL not Reached Haiti:

  • George Bailey sent Uncle Billy out with the cash over an hour ago.
  • Now that the Senate has taken care of the “Ted Stevens Ice Field Designation Act” and recognition of the “20th Anniversary of National Rice Month” maybe they can get to it.
  • It’s hard to move $1.2 billion. We’re thinking some kind of gift card.
  • Still looking for the $4 million that went missing around the weekend of Chelsea’s wedding.
  • Turns out President Obama is in favor of Haiti getting the money, so both the Republicans and the Democrats agree that nothing should be done on it until after the midterm elections.

About Why the Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Will Probably Fail:

  • Hey, you got your 4,000 years of myth-based cultural hatred in my peanut butter.
  • The person who picked Field of Dreams as the movie for the opening night get-together based on its title maybe should have watched it first.
  • Half way through the Harlem Childrens’ Choir’s rendition of The Good Ship Lollypop, Israeli commandos boarded the risers.
  • Given Tony Blair’s ineffectiveness as the non-American foreign envoy at the talks, Senate Republicans suggested that he be replaced by Barack Obama.
  • The pressure is on! If the two governments don’t reach an agreement within the next two weeks, the violent extremists on both sides who have vowed to sabotage the peace will lose the deposit on their mortars.

About Why Katy Perry Was Really Kept Off of Sesame Street:

  • Because where they live “gurls” is brought to you by the letter I.
  • When the guy tried to shove his hand up the butt of the weird new puppet, it turned out to be Russell Brand.
  • Her “new way to walk” was rash-based.
  • She was getting ready to show her snuffaluffagus.
  • Because moms all over America took time to write that they were incensed by Public TV’s decision to show such filth to their kids, then rejoined the family to watch Wife Swap and Toddlers and Tiaras.

 

About Why Steven Tyler Might Not Have Been a Good Choice to Judge American Idol:

  • Contestants know they will have to bone up on their singing, their stage presence and their CPR.
  • Sooner or later, a well-meaning but insensitive contestant will honor him with a rendition of Scoot This Way.
  • He’ll often get flustered trying to remember which of these kids came from which of his wives.
  • Randy: “I give you a solid A!” J.Lo: “I give you an enthusiastic B+.” Stephen: “The most I can give you is Hepatitis C.”
  • Every time they hit him with a spotlight he starts ruefully walking toward it.

About Signs That Your Mega-Church Pastor is a Perv:

  • The only apostles he mentions are Matthew, Mark, Luke and Elmo.
  • He says “Suffer the children . . .” then loses his place.
  • Absent-mindedly refers to the apostle RuPaul.
  • Can’t say “thy rod and thy staff” without giggling.
  • The best day to tithe is Friday, because he makes his deposits on the weekend.

 

About How College Professors are Like Phone-Sex Operators:

  • The profit is in keeping them hooked a long time, before you tell them what they want to hear.
  • Don’t even show up without a credit card.
  • “Do you like to be tied down for an hour and told how bad you are?”
  • The pathetic, lonely and out of touch are skillfully manipulated by people with busy, sexually active lives. No . . . wait, that’s how they’re exactly opposite.
  • They try to stimulate you and get you aroused, but mostly they just sound old.

About the Continuing State of the Gulf Coast Oil Spill:

  • “Free Willy” is still the advertising slogan being used by fishermen getting by as male prostitutes.
  • Sand dollars that wash ashore on the west coast of Florida still slide almost to Orlando.
  • The woman in BP’s new “I’ll be here until the job is done!” commercial is the daughter of the woman in the old one.
  • According to the EPA the Gulf of Mexico is still listed as “the most befouled ecosystem this side of Snookie.”
  • On a hot sunny day, the shrimp still cook themselves.

About Signs That Someone is the Tea Party Candidate:

  • Doesn’t want to tax anything but our patience.
  • Wants to “Impapple Obama”, because peaches are kind of gay.
  • SWAG includes buttons, bumper stickers and “Don’t Tread on Me” holster cozies.
  • Pressuring the Boy Scouts to establish a Deport Your Nanny merit badge.
  • “Damn it! There will be headless bodies in the desert if I have to put them there myself!”

About the Downside of Canceling Your Religious Book Burning:

  • For now at least, the right wing nutcase crown reverts to Beck.
  • Can’t even return the sixty or so Qu’rans. He used the receipt for kindling.
  • Advance ticket sales for next month’s Buddha effigy have plummeted.
  • Saturday he’s gonna have a day camp full of loony acolytes and has to find another craft that uses white gas and 30,000 sticks.
  • Barely inspired militant radicals all over the world are going to have to try to keep hating us for our decadent lifestyles and half-naked sluts.

About Whether Your Google Browser is Really Psychic:

  • When you’re showing your grandmother how to do an image search, and she says “Oh honey, you pick.” It instantly opens nippleslip.com.
  • It leaves your computer forty weeks a year to play Vegas.
  • Just because one time you downloaded Don’t Stop Believin’ to make your girlfriend a ringtone, it spends the rest of your life suggesting White Snake and Thin Lizzy. Oh sorry. That’s not your browser psychic; that’s your iTunes genius.
  • It not only told you what card you were thinking of, it told three million advertisers.
  • This is real, not like those stage psychics who have confederates spy on your conversations, exploit generalizations people are thinking all the time, and “cold read” your reactions to make you think what they want you to think. No. Google doesn’t do that stuff at all. Now when I clap three times you will dance like a chicken.

About Signs That Your Koran Burning May Not be Going Well

  • You shouldn’t have used kerosene to start the fire, you shouldn’t have stored the left over kerosene in your camper, and you should have checked the gas can for leaks.
  • I just checked. That charitable Christian God you are supporting? Not amused.
  • That last puff of smoke was not a Muslim Holy Book; it was your tax exemption.
  • “Karen? Karen? Has anybody here seen Karen?”
  • Okay, you made you point, and now its over. Go on about your life. It’s not like any of the people you insulted are the type to hold a grudge.

About President Obama’s Ideas for Jump-Starting the Economy:

  • Will begin to count as members of the transportation sector everyone who carries a tune.
  • Will continue to stimulate the economy of Martha’s Vineyard “if . . . you know . . . you think it would help.”
  • Count as a part-time construction worker anyone who goes in to Build-a-Bear.
  • Allow televangelists tax exemptions if they turn “Rent Boy” into a full time “staff position.”
  • Promote an international Red Rover League. Why hire hundreds of people to build a border fence, when you could hire millions to BE one.

About Why the New Round of Middle East Peace Talks are Doomed to Failure:

  • They started with a weigh-in.
  • Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzeneger were listed as participants but only stayed for like two minutes.
  • Even the Dalai Lama said “These two guys are a$$holes.”
  • Hillary’s hair doesn’t look like a helmet; that’s an actual helmet.
  • When Abbas said “I’m staying at the Watergate. How ‘bout you?” Netanyahu replied “I just built a place in Gaza.”

About the Effect the Tea Party Rally Had on Sunday’s Emmy Awards:

  • People criticized an actress’s muslin dress, because it was too close to ground zero.
  • The crowd outside roared when they heard the word “lynch” until someone told them it was Jane.
  • A fan came all the way from Portland to get Sofia Vergara’s autograph, and a sheriff came all the way from Tucson to get her papers.
  • Though the Nokia Theater officially holds only 7100 people, attendance was estimated at around 200,000.
  • Half a million peaceful, god-fearing Christians on one side of the country; a roomful of over-dressed Communists and homos giving awards celebrating naked vampires, drug dealers, and knocked up choir girls on the other. We report; you decide!

About Why We Are Sure Obama is a Christian:

  • When he tries to make that celebration noise with his tongue it comes out more like a high-pitched yodel.
  • He spells Hussein with a little smiley face over the “I.”
  • A comprehensive term-search of his collected writings and speeches reveals “jackal=no results.”
  • He thinks hummus is a kind of oral sex.
  • He stay home from church more often than he goes, plays golf a lot even though he sucks, and vacations at Martha’s Vineyard. If that don’t say Christian . . . . .

 

About whether the eggs you just bought are part of the salmonella recall:

  • “No. It’s scrambled eggs. It only looks like biscuits and gravy.”
  • The chicken that laid them was wearing a haz-mat suit.
  • “Over Easy” is how they will describe the body.
  • They just changed the name of your restaurant to C.S.I.hop.
  • You shouldn’t be able to fry an egg by shaking it.

About the Possibility That Disney is Spying on Your Internet History:

  • You get email from Daisy Duck with the Subject: I Know What You Like!
  • You state a preference in an ESPN poll, and it grades the answer “Incorrect.”
  • You’re a sixty-year old dude watching Sonny With a Chance, and she has the creepy feeling that she doesn’t really stand one.
  • More people know about your fetish porn addiction than the real identity of Hannah Montana.
  • There is nothing you can do about it. In the case of People Whose Right to Privacy was Trashed by Disney v. Disney, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled “Hakuna Matata!”

About the Effect of President Obama’s Recent Swim in the Gulf:

  • John Voight and Stephen Baldwin tried to use their Hollywood connections to fly in some of those big 3-D piranha.
  • Senator Boehner accused him of using the opportunity to scout out a water route to Cuba.
  • Tomorrow he will waste more time mollifying his enemies jumping through a flaming hoop to show his support for the circus.
  • Still waiting for Bush to take a dip in the pool at the Baghdad Y.
  • Won’t help. Polls show that right wing Floridians and tourists would rather bathe in oily tar than swim after you-know-who.

About the New Cast Member of Jersey Shore:

  • “So I was crawlin’ out from under a booth at Rotten Rays, and I looked up at the TV screen, and they was havin’ so much fun. It, you know, became like my dream!”
  • After the first day of shooting, she bought the whole cast and crew dinner with some of the money from her genius grant.
  • Her mother was so proud that she almost violated witness protection to write.
  • “Some day I hope to have my hands and knees on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.”
  • You will definitely be able to recognize her. She’s the one from New Jersey.

About Why Ann Coulter is Headlining the Gay Republican’s Convention:

  • Judging from her picture, they saw Coulter as dude who could relate.
  • She hopes to sell her books to conservatives who actually read.
  • It’s the gay conservatives; she can hold the convention in her living room.
  • Larry Craig owes her money.
  • The program director mixed the search results for “Conservative Gay Keynoter” with the ones for “long and stiff , with bulging veins.”

About Google’s Choices for a New Business Plan:

  • First, do no evil. Lull them into a false sense of security!
  • You should have seen this coming after the China cave.
  • Can you fear me now?
  • Whadda ya gonna use Yahoo?
  • We have satellite photos of your house.

About Signs that the Democrats are Distancing Themselves From President Obama:

  • At the last state dinner, someone handed him a tray.
  • Air Force One is now charging him $10 a piece for carry-ons.
  • Last night, Harry Reid went on The O’Reilly Factor, prank-called the oval office and got the President to say, “Yes I have, Senor Johnson. And I hope to many times in the future.”
  • When Obama asked what he could bring to Congressional Democrats’ pot luck dinner, they said “Your birth certificate.”
  • His new secret service call sign is “Pariah.”

About Wikileaks from the Clinton Wedding:

  • The canapé surprise tasted suspiciously like Vince Foster.
  • The caterers are siphoning money from the florists’ budget to finance the insurgency of drunken college buddies.
  • Contrary to reports, Bill’s bridesmaid offensive was launched an hour before the champagne was even uncorked.
  • The groom outsourced the retrieval of the garter to a private contractor.
  • Even after a $3 million infusion into the local economy, when asked which side they would sit on, 70% of the guests told the ushers “Obama’s.”

About What the New President of BP is Saying About the Spill:

  • From here on out, we plan to use the word “coast” almost exclusively as a verb.
  • Keep an eye out for that meddling President. Really? Almost never?
  • We have retired the term “spill.” In its place, we will use the term “pre-cap distribution.”
  • Where do you folks go for some outdoor fun around here? Okay. Which way’s Tennessee?
  • Spill. Schmill. Tony Hayward didn’t just start being an idiot this summer. I sold short in March.

About Signs That You Are Living in an Inception Dream World:

  • President Bush was elected to a third term, but he’s Black.
  • There’s another “Lilith” tour.
  • The profitable Ford this year is Escort, not Harrison.
  • The Bounty Hunter was a box office smash—no wait, that’s a sign that Jennifer Aniston is living in a dream world.
  • The people we are fighting to save, the people from whom we are trying to save them, and the neighboring government that we are bribing to like us are working together to make sure we lose, and we know this because a little white-haired guy in Iceland got a hold of 90,000 classified American documents that said so. If you think that’s real, you must be dreaming!

About What Was Overheard at This Year’s Ms. Senior America Pageant:

  • Before we begin, I would like for everyone to locate the emergency exits on either side of the auditorium—for use in case of fire, medical emergency or Swimsuit Competition.
  • What I want more than anything else is World Peace in my lifetime. So you should get on that. Really! I mean today.
  • I’ve done my talent, and I can’t get up!
  • I meant continents. Did I say continence?
  • There she is . . . Ms. Senior Am-e-e-e-r-r-i-c-a . . . I SAID, THERE SHE IS! MS. SENIOR AMERICA!!

About the Westboro Baptist Church’s Protest at Comic-Con:

  • If you guys think Comic-Con is an abomination, you should have seen Batman and Robin!
  • If God is so all-powerful, why doesn’t he have heat vision?
  • Okay, to be fair, Kevin Smith IS the antichrist.
  • They’re really just mad, because Image Comics wouldn’t syndicate Self-Righteous Seven.
  • Just as the protest reached a fever pitch, Fat Guy Sailor Moon walked by, and the scales fell from their eyes, and all became right with the world.

About Why Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin Went Camping Together:

  • They want to get all Extrastential like Henry David Thorough.
  • Don’t ask; don’t tell.
  • OK, kids. Today’s craft is lanyards made from the flesh of your dead enemies.
  • Each is the last person in the world that the other hasn’t pissed off.
  • Thirteen kids and two career-hungry fame whores. But the whole plot comes apart when they get home, address the media and discover too late that there are no North American dingoes.

 

About How ComiCon has Become Like Disneyland:

  • For four days, in July, Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen body is moved to a basement in San Diego.
  • At ComiCon, they debut a lot of movie trailers. Let’s see, where else do you stand in line 2 hours for a 1 minute, 50 second ride?
  • “That’s just fu@&in’ Goofy!”
  • Hundreds of fanboys hit on dozens of booth-babes. You know, Fantasyland!
  • Neither has any concept of what it’s really like on Main Street, USA.

 

About What Steve Jobs Will Say at His iPhone 4 Pres Conference.:

  • Good morning! Thank you for coming. I am here today to announce that I am leaving Apple and taking my talents to the Miami Heat.
  • The person responsible for the “Bars” controversy has been let go and will return to putting those arrows on the bowling alley.
  • Instead of solving the problem, Mr. Jobs will show us one of the fingers has that been causing it.
  • We apologize for the problem with the antenna in the phone. We have decided that we will give a $20 gift card to everyone who has bought the iPhone 4. With that gift card and a few dollars of your own, you can go to any Apple Store and buy that forty five cent piece of rubber to put around the rim.
  • Stick around for a the debut of our new ad campaign. Mr. I’m a Mac is back, and this time he joined by a new character: Mr. I’ll Buy Anything Sight Unseen.

About Signs That the BP Well Cap Might Not Hold:

  • Seismologists have identified a pair of extremely dense and unstable pressure back-ups in the Gulf Coast area. Oh . . . sorry. Heidi Montag is having dinner in New Orleans.
  • The BP engineers tightened it down with a Cap Snaffler.
  • The oil might be backing up under land. If you go to Lookout Mountain, you can see seven states and this really big, bulgy hill that wasn’t there before.
  • The President of BP jotted his “We Just Have to be Patient a Few Weeks and Hope for the Best” press conference notes on the back of his resume.
  • Two facts that mean nothing alone might not bode well when considered together. 1. Every day the well pumps sludge, Obama’s poll numbers go down.  2. Glenn Beck just rented a diving bell.

About Why the U.S. Hasn’t Made Good on its Pledged Aid to Haiti:

  • Right after we made the pledge we heard that the earthquake had ended.
  • We sent Sean Penn and Anderson Cooper instead.
  • Dude, Boehner took us to this bar on the east side. We were all pretty drunk. Latvia said “We’ll give them one hundred million!” we laughed our asses off, and it just got out of control from there.
  • If we keep giving them money and food and medicine, where is their motivation to unravage themselves?
  • Fair’s fair! The people who gave on TV got to talk to Clooney!

About Why Chuck Norris Can’t Be a Groom:

  • “Do you take this bride?” Is a meaningless question. Of course he has taken this bride.
  • “Chuck Norris is genetically unable to “obey.”
  • Seriously? Chuck Norris pick a “best man?”
  • He wouldn’t just remove the garter; he would go after it with a team of Green Berets.
  • He won’t do the Chicken Dance. he won’t do the Chicken anything!

About Signs that This Time Mel Gibson Has Gone too Far:

  • He’s already been contacted to host next year’s MTV Movie Awards.
  • Alec Baldwin was heard setting up a play-date.
  • Tonight on Huckabee, sitting in for Chuck Norris. . . .
  • The Situation is demanding a paternity test.
  • The only person in Hollywood who will even return his calls is Michael Lohan.

 

About Surprises at this Year’s Emmy Nominations:

  • This year’s Best Sex Tape nominations featured four non-Kardashians.
  • Concerns that the voters are relatively uninformed were confirmed when one person cited his favorite “Amazing Race” as Asians!
  • When asked what this year’s nominee’s had in common, the most popular answer was “Dr. Drew.”
  • The actors who play the high school choir in Glee were so happy to be nominated they asked if they could bring their kids!
  • It looks like at least for one more year there are still more people watching commercial TV shows than making them.

About Signs that Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Take Her Court Appearance Seriously:

  • She kept insisting she get Judge Judy.
  • “Solemnly swear” would be the polite description of how she spoke.
  • She complained that the stenographer’s constant clicking sounds were distracting her from Tetris.
  • Kept asking her lawyer if court houses have a SWAG tent.
  • In the end, she wept that she deserved to spend three months being verbally and possibly sexually abused by violent offenders and surrounded by dysfunctional, anti-social losers. She just didn’t understand why she had to do it in jail.

About How We Know LeBron James is not Coming to New York:

  • When asked what he thinks about falafal, James said it’s his favorite part of Deck the Halls.
  • When asked if he had  plans for after the big announcement Wednesday night, Jay-Z said “Had a party to go to. Now me and Beyonce’s gonna invite Gwyneth over to watch The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
  • It would have helped if Manhattan Beach had been in Manhattan.
  • In Cleveland, you are less likely to see little kids who look exactly like the ones who get seven cents an hour to make your $190 shoes.
  • “Fall all over ourselves to throw a few hundred million at an already filthy rich guy when it won’t really do much of anything to improve the life of an average New Yorker? Who does he think he is? Steinbrenner?”

About Things Al Gore Said that Indicated He was On the Prowl:

  • No, baby, that’s Nobel PIECE Prize!
  • . . . but as your surface begins to warm up, my arrow will get this long.
  • Then I said “I have standards, Monica. Try the oval office.”
  • That thing with Tipper wasn’t a kiss. I thought I saw a sniper.
  • The scientists were wrong, Cindy! The environment’s gonna end this weekend! Do you really want to die a virgin?

About how they spotted the Russian Spies:

  • Crimestoppers got a tip from someone named Rocket J. Squirrel.
  • Guy in line at Starbucks says “Hey, grandma! I haven’t got all day!” and she stabbed him with her shoe.
  • The F.B.I. ran a sting where they created a fake reality show called “So You Think Your Job is an Outdated Cliché” then arrested everyone who auditioned.
  • Some guy dressed all in white and some guy dressed all in black kept doing really stupid things to try to kill each other, and the cops let the guy in white go.
  • Double-breasted olive green trench coats . . . at the beach!

About Assurances Being Sought From SCOTUS Nominee Elena Kagan by the GOP:

  • That she can be an unbiased adjudicator of issues relating to homosexual rights . . . not that . . . you know . . .  she’s uh . . . .
  • Does she recognize a pelican’s inalienable right to stay oily.
  • That without defense of the right to life, thousands of babies will be deprived of the chance to be born, have their citizenship revoked and get deported back to the homelands of their parents like any other native born American.
  • That no law of any kind can limit the use of guns, and that people who just don’t like guns on principle can be slapped.
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce the Republican nominee and next President of the United States, Goldman Sachs!

About Sure Signs That President Obama is Angry:

  • You can see his hands visibly shake as he vents a full-bodied and persistent Chardonnay.
  • Orders the Joint Chiefs to attempt to establish a defensive strategy while he takes it to the hole.
  • Accidentally refers to Biden as “Wheezy.”
  • Finds himself clinging more to his guns or religion.
  • Loosens his tie and jerks at the top button on his starched white shirt so hard he almost rips it off! Then takes a breath, regains control, pulls up the covers and goes back to sleep.

About Signs that General McChrystal was Unstable:

  • One of his West Point recommendations was from Cap’n Crunch.
  • Every night still looks for bin Laden under his bed.
  • Last time Obama came to visit, was busy “doing his hair.”
  • Got the idea for his Afghan surge from Gears of War.
  • New plan for defeating the Taliban? Colonel Bieber reporting for duty!

About the Line Up for the New Conservative TLC:

  • Turns out all of the white kids in Arkansas have been adopted: 19 Kids and Holding!
  • Once Sharron Angle gets elected and the new age of Prohibition kicks in, be sure to tune in for (tee)Totalers and Tiaras.
  • The TLC Guide to avoiding the stain of “lame stream media” What Not to Hear!
  • The Cake Boss arbitrarily fires all of his female and ethnic workers, because according to Rand Paul–Screw It–he can.  He’s the boss!
  • The Ultimate Cake-Off and The Restorer Guy combined forces to remodel and throw huge parties in homes that have been seized by the bank. Don’t miss The Let Them Eat Cake Off!

About How to Spot a Phony Clown:

  • Makes balloon animals out of real animals.
  • Only shoves 15 other clowns into his little tiny car so that he can use the commuter lane.
  • Shoes are really big but decidedly NOT floppy.
  • When you squeeze his big red nose, all you get is an eruption of puss.
  • No child fears him. Many are motivated to study harder, get into a good school, and avoid his fate, but none actually fear him.

About Proof That Sarah Palin Could Be a Saint:

  • She treats Hispanics the same way Mother Theresa treated lepers—like lepers.
  • Jesus turned water into wine; Palin turned a few thousand suckers into twelve million bucks.
  • Because of their faith in God, some saints could walk across the water; because of her faith in big oil, Palin is able to slide across the gulf.
  • A saint must perform an act that “cannot be explained according to the laws of human science.” Since she refuses to explain anything according to the laws of human science, all she has to do is die!
  • God told Joan what to do in her dreams; he can tell Sarah what to do in his dreams.

 

About Evidence that South Carolina Senate Candidate Alvin Greene might be a Republican Plant:

  • He keeps making reference to his legislative mentor Jaime Kennedy.
  • He doesn’t start every sentence with “Well, it seems to me . . . .”
  • He thinks the Huffington Post is the place on the reservation to buy duty-free cigarettes.
  • He bowls.
  • He distrusts Arabs and looks at dirty pictures —but he admits it!?

About Apple’s REAL Five Favorite APPS:

 

  • appPad: It scans your phone, finds the apps you already have and does that stuff. It costs $500 and won’t run flash.
  • GutTracker: It scans you, sends a bio-record of your internal organs to a server in Cupertino, then tracks you with GPS in case you die and  . . . you know . . . uh . . . somebody  . . . needs one or more of them in a hurry.
  • Ashcroft’sMarker: Porn is forbidden in the App Store. If you jailbreak your phone to download nude shots, this handy app automatically draws little bathing suits on the girl-parts.
  • CALLiMprov: When a call starts, the app starts recording it. A few seconds later, when AT&T drops the call, the app continues the conversation as best it can.
  • AppSolescence: Especially relevant to early adopters. Download this app as soon as you get your phone and/or iPod. It will start the six week countdown clock to the date when your phone will become obsolete or the price of your model is cut in half.

About How Gays are Different From Al Qaeda:

 

  • Oh my God! Have you seen Osama’s videos? Even if you live in a cave, you don’t have to look like you live in cave!
  • No gay man would be caught dead in a shoe clunky enough to smuggle a bomb.
  • Why would a guy blow himself up on the promise of seventy three virgins? That’s just a good April at the Boiler Room.
  • Why would you want to drink the blood of the Great Satan in a world that includes Appletinis?
  • If I want to be a member of an extreme cult that follows a looney 60 year-old who is stuck in the ancient ways, given to fits of violence and can’t let go of a grudge, I’m sticking with Liza!

About Elton John’s Playlist for Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding:

 

  • Junky Cat.
  • The Bitch is Beck.
  • (Build a Fence Along the) Border Song.
  • Saturday Night’s Alright for Whitey.
  • Candle in the Windbag.

About the High School Turned Strip Club.

  • “God has spoken to me, Erlene! The fellas and I are going to be over there every night until they close that place down!”
  • There are three ways to view the show: Barstools at the stage, general table seating, and locker room peepholes.
  • Now people pay extra for the “Lunch Lady’s Surprise!”
  • A sign on the wall says the girls won’t have sex with you, so don’t ask—which is completely different than when it was a school.
  • “It’s like graduation every night. I always get a little lump when they shift their tassels.”

About Tea Party Claims That Gays Have Too Much Influence:

  • Show some respect. That’s Admiral Ga-Ga to you!
  • Let’s just say the next time you see a twenty-one gun salute, those might not be guns.
  • Presidential Medals of Freedom have been awarded to the entire cast of Glee.
  • Seriously though, this claim is ridiculous. If gays were really that powerful, the Republican National Committee would have all of its meetings in airport bathrooms.
  • On the other hand, who really came up with tea party.

About How Prime Time Television Would Treat the Oil Spill:

  • SyFy: Oilaggedon! Scientists develop oil eating microbes to clean the gulf. It works, but the real problem begins when the microbes mutate and head for land!
  • MTV: Bama Shore! The gang from Jersey Shore and every friend they have head south, jump in the gulf and absorb the oil slick into their hair.
  • Discovery: On Sarah Palin’s Alaska, Sarah and her crew dump millions of gallons of food coloring on the spill then make lemonade out of lemons by choppering up school children to find animal shapes!
  • WB: The gang from Smallville stocks a case of Stride gum, a One Republic CD, and plenty of Accuvue contact lenses into their Sync-adapted Ford Focus and head to the coast so Clark can use his heat vision to burn the oil away.
  • Fox is developing a show where the world realizes we can’t solve the problem and have to abandon the planet for a new life in the stars. Fox promises to make it really good show, present the episodes in the wrong order, then cancel it prematurely.

About the Group of Lawyers Who Have declared Themselves God’s Representatives in California:

  • Their strength comes from a following comprised of gun-loving, judgmental, fear-addled activists. You know, conservative Christians.
  • Their plan for a smaller, more limited government is to replace a six page document with a 2000 page book.
  • They were quoted as saying “Unfortunately, God has called upon us to do this only with the judiciary.” God was also quoted using the term unfortunate.
  • If elected they will end their swearing into office with the words “so help us us.”
  • After they declared themselves God’s ambassadors on the bench, a group of lawyers from Arizona demanded to see God’s green card.

About Why the President Should Have Known the BP Beach Workers Were Just Acting:

  • They kept singing the Oompa Loompa song.
  • When he asked one worker how the job was going, she said “Cleaning the coastline is gratifying, but what I really want to do is direct.”
  • He got suspicious when he heard a guy say “I don’t understand why I’m here. What’s my motivation?” But that guy turned out to be a BP exec.
  • At the end of the day, the beach was cleared of oil but littered with head shots and resumes.
  • Most suspicious of all: There were people there, working.

About How Fox News Digitally Alters its Product:

  • Removed the two “un”s from their slogan.
  • Nightly disguise Glenn Beck’s horns and tail.
  • During Supreme Court coverage, regularly edit out the hinge that Scalia uses to work Clarence Thomas’s jaw.
  • Censor the giggles that even his crew emits when O’Reilly employs the phrase “no spin.”
  • Continue to keep legendary newsman Brit Hume locked in a dungeon while his evil doppleganger roams the countryside at will.

About Arizona’s Next Round of Immigration Reforms:

  • Chili con carne will be banned based not only on its criminal past, but on its association with allegedly suspicious county fair games of chance.
  • Police will forbid stopping people on the street based on appearance and instead assign neighborhood watch captains to keep an ear out for the lilting sounds of Telemundo.
  • Dora, the Explorer is safe for now, but there is a shoot-to-kill order out on the kid with the flying backpack.
  • The Lambada is now officially the forbidden dance of love!
  • The Arizona tourism board has issued  “Do Not Travel” alerts for Caborca, Heroica Nogales and Sesame Street.

About Fox News’s New Latino Website:

  • Careful! Some of our pages are NSFDL (Not Safe for Day Labor).
  • We’re Fear and Balanced.
  • Our DNS shoots your SMS to the INS.
  • Be sure to tag your posts and photos so your . . . uh . . . friends will know right where you are.
  • The first 200 people to register get free tickets to our live Tuscon, Arizona Meet & Greet!

About Why Lindsay Lohan Failed to Return to the United States:

  • My twin stole my passport and ticket! You know, the one from the movie!
  • The gate attendant wouldn’t let me board because my underwear smelled like it could explode.
  • First class and tourist were booked solid. I was on standby for seating in “skank.”
  • I was afraid to spend eight hours in those airplane seats. It’s been years since I did anything in an upright position.
  • I admit it. I panicked. My mother is a fame whore. My father is a felon. I decided to ask for advice from the only person I know to whom I can still relate. Please address all future questions to Mr. Polanski.

About How You Can Tell Your Gulf Coast Restaurant Has Been Affected by the Oil Spill:

 

  • “Do you take reservations?” “No, these days we just have them.”
  • You ask the wine steward what goes best with the entre, and he suggests a domestic thirty weight.
  • The Surf & Turf are the same color.
  • The special is Crab Gooey.
  • “Waiter! I don’t want my mousse until dessert.” “That’s your water.”

About How Celebrity Chef Juan-Carlos Cruz was Making a Cake, Not Killing His Wife:

  • I said, “Tiers! Expect a lot of tiers!”
  • “Grease her?” Hey, guys name their cars after girls, why not their pans?
  • My exact instructions were “Batter vigorously until contents are thoroughly settled.”
  • Toothpick test, Ice pick test, are we going to quibble over terms?
  • It was “Hugh, Icer!” not  “You, Ice her.”

About the Proof that Elena Kagan is Heterosexual:

  • Her favorite Classical sources are Seneca and Justinian, not Xena and Gabrielle.
  • Yeah, softball . . . but slow-pitch.
  • She actually believes that Edward Cullen is supposed to be  a male vampire.
  • Her word-association with the term “Barbra” is “Spell-Check.”
  • Glenn Becks’ gaydar would have picked her up by now.

 

About Next Fall’s Shows for Older Viewers:

  • AARP: Las Vegas.
  • How I Spawned Your Grandmother.
  • Golf (I didn’t say they were all new).
  • Might as Well Turn In: The Real Housewives of Boca Raton.
  • Has Anyone See Al Zimer?

About the New Kiss Tour:

  • I wanna rock and roll all ni-i-i-i-g-h-t. But that’s just not realistic at my age.
  • No. We stopped wearing the make up years ago; we are just this pasty now.
  • Are you ready to party!! Oh, that sucks.
  • Okay, we’re gonna do “Beth” now, but we have to ask you to please not do the lighter salute. Our drummer’s on oxygen.
  • “Calling Doctor Love!”  No really, and if he’s not here any other doctor who’s available!

About the Hooters Restaurant That Sponsored a Youth Football Team:

  • Quarterback has forgotten all of the fundamentals except “To score, go long.”
  • No one accuses the refs of being blind; they definitely aren’t blind.
  • “Dad, how come this year you can make it to all of my games?”
  • Team is 0-13 but still makes it into the playoffs.
  • Third stringer Willy Short knows that this is some sort of big deal, but doesn’t understand why.  Soon, Willy, soon.

About What Your Mother Really Wants for Mothers’ Day:

 

  • The courage to introduce you to your real dad.
  • Welcome to the Jungle as her ring tone.
  • To get jiggy with the guy who delivers her oxygen.
  • What she misses most, the muddy, naked spirit of Woodstock!
  • One hint: The flowers were close, but it’s just a plant.

About Mistakes Made by the Times Square Bomber:

  • Craigslist To-Do’s: 1. Post “International fugitive looking for quickie at La Guardia.” on Singles Page. 2. Buy mid-size SUV.
  • In order to foil attempt to disarm bomb by choosing between blue or red wire, just left out both.
  • Had to lift heavy crate into car by himself so replaced daisy-cutter shrapnel load with packing peanuts.
  • Gave himself plenty of time to escape the blast zone by setting the timers on “Snooze.”
  • In retrospect, should have left off bumper sticker that said “My other car’s not rigged to blow!”

About How Famous Americans are Responding to the Gulf Coast Oil Spill:

  • Rush Limbaugh tried to stand on the beach and support his claim that the ocean would fix the problem itself, but LSU oceanographers and Green Peace kept dragging him back to sea.
  • The Seafood Lobby wants us to stop calling it an “oil spill.” They suggest “Free Range Marinade.”
  • When the Little Mermaid surfaced with greasy hair and black splotches all over her body, Jesse James asked for her number.
  • George Bush said “Great Job, Brownie!” then went back to counting the toothpicks on the floor.
  • Brad Pitt has relocated to the barrier reef and says he won’t rest until every lobster bed has fresh sheets and fluffy comforters.

About How New Yorkers Knew About the Times Square Bomb Threat:

  • The guy who preaches that the end is near sort of seemed to mean it.
  • NYPD was trying to arrest a white guy.
  • The local eateries snuck out their “tourists who are waiting out a bomb threat” higher price menu.
  • A Times Square vendor thought something looked suspicious.
  • People were leaving “The Fantastiks” even faster than usual.

About Why Christiane Amanpour is Retiring:

  • She wants to spend more time with Sarah Palin’s family. Somebody who promised to should.
  • Was depressed by the reality that the people she was talking about usually outnumber the people she’s talking to.
  • She has to spend some time in Arizona soon and can’t afford to be known as a foreign correspondent.
  • When she left for the Middle East, the editors told her “Trust us. Cheney says six weeks tops!”
  • Recently heard a rumor that if she was stateside she might have a shot at Larry King!

About Stephen Hawking’s Hostile Alien Visitors:

  • Hawking says they will come here to loot our untapped natural resources. Good luck with that!
  • “General Squerd, I think you’d better see this!”  “This Jack Bauer, are there many like him?”
  • Don’t worry. Our scientists are confident that they will locate the enemy ship in plenty of time to find the one spot a missile has to hit to blow the whole thing up.
  • Yes, they will take you out of your trailer and beam you to the mother ship. But bring cash; anal probes cost extra!
  • “All I know is, any three-eyed, slimy purplish-green, tentacle-wavin’, puss-drippin’ monster from another planet who sets his intergalactic ass down in Tucson better damn well have I.D.!”

 

About the ex-White Supremacist Who Wants to Open a Night Club for Teens.

  • Yes, we have a rope. No, it isn’t velvet.
  • We’re gonna have ski-ball, arcade games, Whack-a- . . . uh . . . mole . . . yeah . . . . they’re moles.
  • We’re going to start small; there’s a space in a local strip mall. If it takes off, we’ll invade the space next door.
  • I’m a father. I want my kids to have a safe, fun place to go. I’ve talked to lots of fathers who feel the same way. In fact, I’m thinking of calling it Fatherland.
  • The townspeople overwhelmingly rejected the idea, noting that white kids in Nebraska already have a place to meet and socialize. It’s called Nebraska.

 

About this Year’s Least Likely TV Pilots:

 

  • Dave Normal, Perp Patrol: New Detective Dave Normal fights crime the old fashioned way,by going to the crime scene, collecting evidence, asking around, then waiting for a break while he goes back to work on his sixty other cases.
  • Furst, Do No Harm: When a patient comes to the Well & Huff Medical HMO with a rare, difficult to cure disease, they call Denayah Furst–a crack insurance investigator who will do whatever it takes to void that freeloader’s policy!
  • Celebrity Receiver: Donald Trump chooses 12 celebrities and allows each of them a chance to work one of his fabulous holdings through bankrupcty proceedings. In the first episode, Wesley Snipes does the Taj Mahal’s federal taxes on a Ouija Board.
  • My Super Sweet Sixteen and Pregnant: Turms out the pink Mercedes wasn’t the bigggest surprise I got that night.
  • Return to Boys’ Town: Do you even need to ask?

About the New Anti-Immigration Law in Arizona:

  • John McCain says we needed this law, because Illegal Mexicans “deliberately cause traffic accidents.” So you’d better travel by way of Nevada, Los Dukes del Hazzard!
  • From now on, if anyone says “No way, Jose!” the person he is talking to will be deported.
  • This Weeks’ Enchillada Surprise is a full cavity search.
  • It’s not as bad as it sounds. When the rich Republican farmer who smuggled you in gets back with the next truckload, your cousin can bail you out.
  • Bienvenido a Tucson, Senor Obama!

About Advantages Scholarship Athletes Might Get on Exams:

  • Extra points if you knew that the “statue of liberty” was also a statue.
  • Ten extra points on your book report if you got all the way through reading it without poking yourself in the eye with a pop-up.
  • Full credit on the question “What institution of higher learning do you attend, if you answered any of the following:
    • I’m pretty sure it has a “U” in it.
    • You mean like the third floor lecture hall?
    • This one!
  • The essay question is: Which is more abhorrent to a civilized human being—the spontaneous cruelty of the world depicted in Animal House or the soul-wrenching autocracy of 1984? Acceptable answers:
    • I get my stats or I don’t; it’s all about the team.
    • We’re taking it one game at a time.
    • . . . to buy my mom a  nice house!
  • Ten point penalty if you are actually taking this test yourself; we have people who do that for you.

 

 

 

About the Huge Plume of  White Smoke Spewing Out of the World:

  • That isn’t ash. Obama passed his health care plan; it’s the steam from Hell freezing over.
  • The universe can neither create nor destroy matter. In other words, all of those pressurized chemicals recently loaded into Heidi Montag had to be vented somewhere.
  • After a good, long, hard, tight screwing by humanity, the Earth is just enjoying a smoke.
  • Never plot a shuttle landing on a first-gen iPad.
  • What does a supernatural puff of white smoke always mean? Time to meet the new Pope!

About the decision Allowing College Students to Carry Concealed Weapons:

  • The best way to keep a college student’s gun out of your classroom is to require that he bring it.
  • “I found your presentation poorly organized and without evidentiary support. Please don’t hurt me.”
  • The founders might never have included the second amendment if they had envisioned the AK-47, the UZI or the Double Header Beer Bong.
  • Why stop at colleges? “Mrs. Johnson, what’s that L-shaped bulge above the Hugs-Not-Drugs Bunny’s tail?”
  • From now on the last word at commencement will be “Pull!”

About How Teaparty Members Should File Their Taxes:

  • The common rock you tossed through Nancy Pelosi’s office window is not a business expense. If you used an energy efficient processed fly-ash brick, you’re good for 30% of the cost.
  • No, your Betsy Ross costume is not a deductible uniform, and yes, it makes your thighs look fat.
  • It’s not a coincidence. They call it 1040EZ, because it isn’t as hard.
  • While we are impressed that you drove your “Crusin’ Cooler Scooter” all the way from Tupelo to the capital, it is not a business vehicle.
  • This is your federal government’s favorite part: You cannot deduct your entry fee to the National Teaparty Convention as a donation to Sarah Palin, but she can deduct the cost of the Learjet she used to come down and pocket your money. Is this a great country or what?!

About What the Teaparty Militia Might be Called:

  • Walkers Brigade. Not the Texas Ranger, the mode of transportation.
  • W.I.M.P.S.  White Idiots Modeling Penis Substitutes.
  • Nyquil’s Raiders.
  • The OK Chorale.
  • My personal favorite: Pussy Comitatus.

About the Upcoming Nuclear Arms Talks, in Washington:

  • Hugo Chavez backed out when he heard that the Hilton’s Bat-Shit Crazy Suite had already been booked by the North Koreans.
  • The Chinese laughed at our concern about countries’ lack of hazmat safety standards when they saw that we still allow Hugh Hefner to play with candles.
  • the Qatari ambassador who tried to go through airport security with a glowing duffel bag and a radiation suit said it was all a big misunderstanding.
  • When Kirstie Alley found out one of the meetings was about “enriched weapons-grade white cake” she applied for statehood.
  • Obama once again stated that Iran, a country with an unstable political situation, known ties to radical extremists, and positioned in a volatile region of the world was not the sort of nation that should be allowed to have nuclear weapons–adding “Who do they think they are? Pakistan?”

About What the Teaparty Members Will Demand in a Supreme Court Nominee:

  • No way can it be one of the actual Supremes!
  • No interpretation! The new person has to feel exactly like the founders did about synthetic mycoplasma genomics, collateralized debt derivative swaps, and the internet.
  • Let’s hold off. The Pope will be on the market soon.
  • How about Michelle Bachmann? Every court needs a jester!
  • It should be someone Clarence Thomas likes. That way he can scootch over, and the new person can sit on Scalia’s other knee.

About what the Qatari Diplomat Might Have Said to Cause an in-flight Panic:

  • What time does this plane drop on Denver?
  • Stewardess, when I look at you, my underpants begin to smoke.
  • Just in your beautiful country a few days before I escape again to the Middle East.
  • Just one moment, I have to take this iPhone call: C-4? Ugh! You sunk my battleship!
  • Do you mind if my shoes go off?

About NBC’s Eco-Friendly “Behavior Placements”:

  • The Biggest Losers will eat lots of food, but only out of reusable tubs.
  • Instead of caustic chemicals, they will color Trumps hair with “the spilled blood of his enemies.”
  • They will use humane traps To Catch a Predator.
  • From now on when Leno runs roughshod over someone else’s career, it will be turned into mulch and replanted.
  • Saturday Night Live won’t change; they recycle everything already.

About Whether Hamid Karzai is Really Going to Join the Taliban:

  • Okay, Big deal! So his election’s “hanging chads” were actually guys named Chad.
  • The Arabic on his nametag in the photo op with Obama translates “I’m With Stupid.”
  • String of suspicious retweets for @pakistanCaveGuy.
  • He and Iran’s Achmadinejad just applied together for The Amazing Race.
  • Misses Bush and Cheney: “Those guys knew how to treat a puppet!”

About Whether Animals can be Gay:

  • All I am saying is look up the actual translation of Hakuna Matata.
  • Next RNC junket is to the zoo.
  • Not to be gross, but how do you think we got the cream egg?
  • Meteor-Schmeteor! House music killed the dinosaurs!
  • Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other chicken!

About Obama’s New Rules on How We Will Use Our Nukes:

  • Jesse James is still allowed to say he has one in his pants.
  • They will stay safely tucked in their silos unless that little wise ass from Wargames hacks into the W.H.O.P.P.E.R. computer again.
  • We will aim one of our thousands at any little country who doesn’t agree that no one should have nukes.
  • Target-wise, right now Alaska is looking pretty good.
  • Of course all of these rules go out the window as soon as his Madrassa, Socialist, Fascist, New World Order overlords tell him its “Go Time!”

 

About Why Disgruntled Democrats are Joining Tea Parties:

  • Protest Sign of Choice: Only Use Recycled, Natural Fiber Tread on Me!
  • It was when I first noticed that Palin—just a little bit—looks like Marlo Thomas.
  • I broke with my stuck-up friends over Larry, the Cable Guy.
  • My daughter Wyoming just got the lead in the Sylvia Plath Prep 3rd grade production of Angels in America. And it sickens me that some day she might have to abandon her muse and get a regular job to pay for my health care.
  • No. Seriously. I thought there’d be tea.

What’s So Good About Friday?:

  • Who would want to eat at a place called T.G.I. E-Coli?
  • Without Friday the 13th, Freddy Krueger would have spent at least one of his Tuesdays with Morrie.
  • He was the last TV cop who didn’t shoot more bullets than his gun could hold.
  • Without it, NBC would have had to dedicate four years to a show about night lights.
  • Take it from Robinson Crusoe, after years on a desert Island, even Adam Lambert would start to look good.

About Why the Roman Soldiers Abandoned Jesus’s Tomb:

  • If you don’t ask, we won’t tell.
  • Got chased off by huge vest wearing, basket carrying rabbit.
  • In the words of Centurion Vinnie “Some heavenly Angelas dropped by and ‘we came, we saw, we conquered’ . . . but not in that order!”
  • Wanted to be the first guys to take Easter off.
  • Ewww! Tomb!

About the President’s Plan for Off Shore Drilling:

  • Tiger and Jesse James have already applied for leases.
  • Wall Street is excited about the possibilities. “Hell, offshore banking has been good to us for years!”
  • Palin would sue over his idea but it would ruin her image to admit to intellectual property.
  • Greenpeace and The National Resources Defense Council have sent out interns to hunt down the President’s birth certificate.
  • After the announcement, Teaparty protesters were so confused that for hours they didn’t know who to spit on.

About Possible Titles for Levi Johnson’s New Reality Show:

 

  • Adventures on the Fallopian Trail.
  • Dude, the Obscure.
  • Are You More Fertile Than a 5th Grader.
  • The Idiotarod.
  • Where Are They Now?: Levi Johnson.

About Why the Pope Shouldn’t be Sued in Kentucky:

  • If they attempt to serve a subpoena, he will lock himself in that little car.
  • He’s God on earth. Try to find a jury of his peers.
  • Three words: St. Gloria Allred.
  • Come on! These guys only molested little kids; it’s not like they said the Earth revolves around the sun.
  • Turning in demented priests was on his Papal To-Do list right after “keep pro-choice Kennedy’s away from Communion.”

About What the RNC Learned at the Bondage Club Retreat:

  • A new meaning for the term “Staff Assistant.”
  • Maybe the policy for lesbians in the military should be “Tell! Tell!”
  • When done with skill and in the proper context, lap dancing is definitely a family value.
  • Don’t talk policy in the private room unless she asks if you want to see her stimulus package.
  • There are still some contexts in which it is proper for a loyal Republican to yell “Yes, we can!”

About How the NCAA is Going to Help Duke Win the Tournament:

  • If they play any team with an animal name, Palin is allowed to sit in the scoreboard with her sniper rifle.
  • Since they are “devils” the Possession Arrow always points to them.
  • Any player who commits a foul in the last two minutes is ejected unless he can spell the opposing coach’s name.
  • After the game, the final scores will be multiplied by the team’s average S.A.T.s.
  • After the opponent’s 7th foul, Duke is in the 1-and-ah shucks, shoot till ya git it right.

About How Teaparty Activists Will Celebrate Easter Week:

  • All Week: In honor of the holiday, members will shout their racist and homophobic slurs in Aramaic.
  • Palm Sunday: Instead of spending all of that money on a donkey, members will take turns making asses of themselves.
  • Tuesday: Activists will ridicule people with Parkinson’s Disease. Doesn’t have anything to do with Easter, it’s just a crowd pleaser.
  • Wednesday: In preparation for the last supper, Glenn Beck will lecture on the Socialist iconography in the paintings of DaVinci.
  • Thursday: Jesus will say “Before this night is over, one of you will betray me.” and they will yell in unison “It’s Olympia Snowe!”
  • Thursday: Instead of staying awake with Jesus while he prays, they will fall asleeep watching a Tivo of a monster truck rally.
  • Friday: Mitt Romney will claim government has no business providing health care three times before the cock crows.
  • Friday: Offered the chance to free the prophet, they will instead yell “Give us Ted Haggard!”
  • Friday: Instead of Rochester and Niagara falls, NY, they will throw bricks through the windows of Democrats, in Rome.
  • Saturday and Sunday: “Hey! Hold on a second! The guy healed people who couldn’t afford to pay for it, openly advocated welfare, defended a tax collector and wouldn’t let his followers take up arms against their enemies. Why are we celebrating Easter?!”

About California’s Vote to Legalize Marijuana:

  • Schwartzenegger says “The choice came down to marijuana or whatever you were on when you elected me.”
  • You can vote Yea, Nay, or Man, if I punch a hole in this ballot I could destroy like a whole tiny universe.
  • Three words: Senator Willie Nelson.
  • The state of California expects to make tens of millions on sales tax and few a few billion more buying long on Doritos.
  • Finally, Starbucks will realize its dream of getting $35 for a brownie.

About What CBS Would Have Asked Tiger Woods:

  • Who’s more of a ladies’ man, you or that guy with the sun glasses on CSI: Miami?
  • I guess a famous golfer nailing a groupie isn’t that big a deal now that Leonard is sleeping with Penny.
  • Here’s an idea for a sitcom: How I Estranged Your Mother.
  • We were going to combine Wife Swap and The Amazing Race, but you sort of already did that.
  • A world famous figure, respected by millions goes in a binge of irrational, destructive self-obsession, tarnishing his own reputation and causing substantial emotional and financial damage to the institution that he more than anyone else had come to symbolize. But enough about Dan Rather; what has Tiger Woods been up to?

About How the Right is Adapting to the New World of Health Care:

  • Tea Party members swearing off of all medicines except Flintstones.
  • Ex-Senator Frist will still diagnose comas by watching CNN, but he will get a second opinion from Dr. House.
  • Sarah Palin can relax. Our brave men and women in uniform will not be endangered by having to buy insurance—just by being in the middle of a trumped up, screwed up ten year war.
  • At last, Glenn Beck can seek help for whatever it is that’s wrong with him.
  • Politicians and electronic ministers rejoice! You will now be able to take advantage of a much hardier breed of intern.

About the Teaparty Movement’s Response to the Healthcare Vote:

  • Send a Tea-Minator back into the 1940s to kill the young Islamo-Kenyan waitress whose child would grow up to doom the world.
  • Take a little time out to help Rush pack for his move to Costa Rica—I mean, he’s earned it!
  • Vow to spend even more of the money we have, courtesy the 2009 Obama tax cuts, to fight his thieving ways!
  • Step away from modern politics for just a second and throw that heretical bastard Galileo back under house arrest where he belongs.
  • In retrospect, our mistake was simple. During the original Tea Party, the protesters dressed up as members of a race they considered inferior and whooped war chants. From now on, Minstrel shows!!

About the House Vote on Healthcare Reform:

  • There haven’t been this many people who wanted to commit at the last minute since those guys stabbed Caesar.
  • Too little, too late: Sunday morning the GOP unveils its comprehensive healthcare plan—have the Texas Board of Education go through the medical texts and censor everything but “the blahs.”
  • Millions of Tea Party members nationwide can now scratch “was there for the Communist overthrow of America off their bucket lists.
  • Stupak is moving on to his next crusade, blocking NASA funding for any space flight that aborts prior to take off.
  • The system has finally been rescued from a political ideology whose idea of medical advice is “Go long with Extenze!”

About President Obama’s NCAA Tourney Picks:

  • Pelosi wants UC Santa Barbara to beat Ohio State and claims she has the votes to do it without a game.
  • Five influential Republicans have demanded we tear the seedings up and start over in the fall.
  • Obama picked Siena to beat Purdue; of course he picked Illinois State to beat Guantanamo.
  • Duke’s chances got a whole lot better, when the Supreme Court voted 6-5 to let them give the Lakers Independent Study credits for spending three weeks on the team.
  • Jim Bunning has made a friendly bet with the President. If Kentucky wins, Obama has to come to the Kentucky Derby in a UK jersey. If Kansas wins, Bunning will shut the Fu@k up!

About the demons that have invaded the Capitol Building:

  • “All right! Who fed Barney Frank after midnight?”
  • “I just saw Ann Coulter running through the hall with her head over her back! No…sorry, that’s her front.”
  • Jim Bunning doesn’t care if Satan’s eatin’ babies in the Congressional Cafeteria. He has Arkansas Pine-Bluff in the play-in game.
  • The demons aren’t here to cause mayhem, they just snuck in to promote their new reality show.
  • “His Holiness’s position at this time, is that no exorcism will be permitted. The church prefers Beelzebub to Pelosi.”

About Hazing at Cornell’s Literary Fraternity:

  • Allowed to Read Franny but denied Zooey.
  • Members were tied down, played the audio book of Bridges of Madison County, then hit with a paddle every time they rolled their eyes.
  • Given a choice: Stripped of your clothes or stripped of your Deleuzian subtext!
  • “Say it! William Carlos Williams was wordy! . . . . Ok, hose him!”
  • “Vampires or werewolves! Nobody eats until Eugene commits!”

About the Final Push for Health Care:

  • While different sources give different estimates, everyone agrees that the health care plan as presently constituted will only cost half as much over ten years as the lobbying efforts to kill or save it.
  • In the spirit of compromise, Obama is keeping the death panels but losing the skeleton masks.
  • Teaparty Activists swear that right up to the last second, they will travel every interstate highway, post bills in every VA hospital and public library, and flood the internet with the message that the government has never done anything that had a lasting positive effect.
  • Several GOP leaders have described this fight as having “taken a toll on our physical well-being. “  Then they add: “But screw it! We’re completely covered for that!”
  • Major corporations agree: “Health Care-Schmealth Care. One or two more Supreme Court decisions and we’ll own this bitch outright anyway!”

About the Al Qaeda Seven:

  • Dirty little secret: In the sixties, they opened for Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs at a Skull and Bones Casbah Night.
  • The picture used by Keep America Safe is neither a Photoshop stitching of a meeting that never took place, nor a snap shot of a secret rendezvous. It came from the University of Karachi’s 1999 production of The Breakfast Club.
  • Eric Massa swears he only tickled four of them.
  • This is nothing like the list of accused Communists waved around by McCarthy. That list was fake. All of the people being unfairly railroaded and smeared on this list are real!
  • Liz Cheney does agree with them on one point: You should have firm evidence before you lock up a traitor who exposes classified secrets or undercover agents, as long as the traitor is her father.

About Lincoln Center’s 12 hour Dostoyevsky play, in Italian, on Governor’s Island, in New York:

  • Was going to write a joke about what Dostoyevsky would say, but couldn’t find the Russian word for “douche bags.”
  • The U.S. Open Tennis Committee has already found a couple hundred teenagers who have volunteered to bend over and serve as foot stools.
  • At the exact same time, another ferry leaves for Liberty Island, full of Wall Street Bankers. That’s when the Joker springs his trap!
  • …Then Cavett said “Okay, Woody, you married your girlfriend’s daughter, they fell for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, now rub the lamp one more time!”
  • It came close, but the Guinness Book of Urban Suckers still puts it second behind the entry of the Steinbrenner family: “Build a New Baseball Stadium Right Across the Street and Have The Public Pay for It!”

 

About “Jihad Jane”:

  • This gig is working out much better for her than her previous choice: Mentl Yentl.
  • Met her first boyfriend on Match.com, but left him for a guy on Tinderbox.
  • Rejected homegrown extremism when the Lane Bryant suicide vests made her feel dowdy.
  • Was sure one of her dreams would come true: go down in history as a martyr of the revolution, or get frisked by Jack Bauer.
  • After being arrested for stealing a passport to provide fake ID to Al Qaeda and threatening to commit murder because a cartoonist painted Mohammed on a dog, she was asked why she didn’t fight the system from within by joining a Teaparty organization. “Are you kidding?” she said. “Those people are crazy!”

 

Special:  15 Actual Sailing Terms That Could Also be Congressman Massa’s Pick up Lines:

  • Browsing your binnacle
  • Stuffing your duffle
  • Piping your heave
  • Looping your bight
  • Bonding your jacky
  • Chafing your gear
  • Trussing your clew
  • Dusting your cuddy.
  • Furling your Spanker mast
  • Chucking your fid
  • Hardening up your prow
  • Draining your scuppers
  • Scraping your skeg
  • Slushing with the bosun
  • Spurling your chain

About the New Watered Down Bank Reform:

  • Banks will no longer be able to sell your loan to another bank that has higher interest rates and more onerous fees without giving at least 30 days notice to the other bank.
  • Debt collectors can still call you in the middle of the night, but they will no longer be allowed to say “Boo!”
  • The bank will not be allowed to lower your credit limit on the basis of behavioral computer simulations or missed payments. Instead, they will no longer need a reason at all.
  • The new equation for figuring your variable interest rate is p+.02fBC—prime plus 2% as a factor the how much it costs to buy a Congressman.
  • Yes, now they have to buy you dinner first.

 

About Why You Would Not Want to Study Creationism at Liberty U.:

  • The “True or Blasphemous” exam questions are murder.
  • The best specialization you will be able to get in Med School is Cooties.
  • Favorite Spring Break destination: Bedrock.
  • “Hey, baby! Wanna be the ‘bone of my bones?’” Worst college bar pick-up line ever!
  • Have you seen how big the textbook is?

About How David Letterman is like Jesus:

  • They both spend an unusual amount of time in the company of a guy named Paul.
  • Jesus sits at the right hand of God; Letterman sat on a couch with Oprah.
  • Jesus forgave the Tax Collector; Letterman looks the other way with the Connecticut State Police.
  • Jesus fed fishes to the 5,000; Letterman could preserve fish for 5,000 in his studio.
  • “Laying on of hands.”

About Great New Changes at Facebook:

  • Their new privacy settings are: “Keep everything about me private.” “Keep everything except my public posts private.” “Keep believing those other two settings exist.”
  • Now people can not only follow you, they can follow you home!
  • “We have sooo much in common! Pleaaaase friend me! Your next good buddy, Interpol!”
  • Mary Alice got 9 out of 10 right on the “80s annoying movie brothers quiz” and challenges you to do better! The maker of Farmville got 20 out of the 20 digits of your credit card number right and challenges you to do anything about it!
  • “At Facebook we hear you! The new algorithm we’ve created to manage your privacy settings is the second most advanced one we’ve ever invented—right after the one we use to hide them!”

About Why Sarah Palin was not at the Health Care Summit:

 

  • She boned up on medical science by trying to write the elements on her hand, but ran out of space after “earth” and “fire”.
  • She had to cancel her presentation, because Glenn Beck stole all of the chalk.
  • After Boehner said “The American people want us to address this in a responsible way.” She sort of felt out of her element.
  • After the Tea Party Convention, she won’t even leave the kitchen for under 50K.
  • Thinks her time is better spent preparing to go to the NRA National Convention, in May, to broker a meaningful balance between gun rights and public safety. Nah, I’m kidding. She’s just gonna call people names and shoot stuff!

 

About Why Jesus Wouldn’t Use Social Media:

  • It would violate his father’s Endtimes User License Agreement.
  • As soon as a Google search hit “suffer the children” he would be in a cell next to Pete Townsend.
  • The trolls at Sadducees.com would flood his discussion board with spam.
  • Eventually, he would stop saying things like “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth.” and start saying things like “Use Biblemetrics to leverage your return-clickthru ratio in eternity.”
  • The resurrection story would be severely diminished by the passage: @therealJesus  Came back to life about an hour ago. Just waiting for Romans to fall asleep, then gonna make my getaway.

About the wedding at the 5th Avenue Apple Store

(Thanks to @TS_Elliot for tweeting the link.)

  • Marriage contract is voided if groom violates the “rights management” on her pants.
  • Bride had to walk down the aisle by herself. The Apple Store doesn’t give anything away.
  • Kind of creepy: Steve Jobs talking to the bride’s mom about “when we might see a little organ donor.”
  • Husband was officially identified as the only thing in the store she could upgrade herself.
  • She’s going to hate herself six months from now when she finds out she could have had a newer model with lots more power and improved connectivity for $400 less.

 

About Proposing on Live TV:

  • First of all, if you are on your knees in front of a woman at a nationally televised sporting event, you had better darn well be proposing!
  • Basketball game? Sure. Hockey game? Sure? Running of the Bulls? eh . . . not such a good idea.
  • Proposing at an American soccer game means you were too chicken to do it in front of a crowd.
  • If she says “no” and the camera is still on you, go on down the aisle and ask the next woman. I’ve always wanted to see that.
  • Don’t sweat being humiliated in front of hundreds of strangers. If you get married that will happen all the time.

About the American Hockey Upset:

  • Shaun White lent the USA some of his ice-resistant Flubber.
  • Canadian goalie was distracted wondering whether Tiger would be back in time to tee it up in the Waste Management Phoenix Open.
  • If Canada’s front line looked a little small, it’s because February 21 is Vancouver’s “Take Your daughter to Work Day.”
  • We don’t know what Barry Bonds said to the American players between quarters, but it really seemed to perk them up!
  • “It’s our national sport! It’s the Olympics! MSNBC? Screw it!”

About Tiger Woods’ Upcoming Public Statement:

  • “I deeply regret any embarrassment and disappointment I caused for my legion of loyal spons–er  . . . uh . . .fans!
  • “Meet my new caddy, Dr. Drew!”
  • “If you don’t forgive me, literally hundreds of old white guys will have nothing to watch on Sunday afternoon!”
  • “Let’s put this rampant disrespect for women behind us, so I can get back to Augusta and focus on rampant disrespect for Blacks and Jews.”
  • “My sex addiction is cured! Everything is back to normal, b-a-a-a-b-y!”

About Whether Dr. Sanjay Gupta thinks your baby is too chubby:

  • Do you put him in a crib or roll him in a corner?
  • Are all of his Garanimal tags a rhino?
  • When he plays pat-a-cake does he bring an actual cake?
  • When he spits up does it orbit?
  • Did the birth announcements state his measurements or his coordinates?

About Why Americans are Rejecting Calls to Jury Duty:

  • “Juries just aren’t hung like they used to be.”
  • “I watch nine TV judge shows a day, and their ain’t one jury among ‘um!”
  • “If I miss a whole day of work about half of my Farmville crops will die.”
  • “For my civic duty, I picked ‘Keep and Bear Arms.’”
  • “Jesus! Vote every two years; sit on a jury! How about a little ME time!”

About Why You Don’t Have a Valentine:

  • You’re one of those older, non-sparkly vampires.
  • Clingy Bear would be a sweeter present if it didn’t say “I know where you park your car.”
  • They’re sisters. They will never agree to a threesome . . . uh . . . with you.
  • Favorite romance movie: Misery.
  • You need to seek happiness in more fundamental virtues. Work up from pulse.

About the Failed Attempt at a Jobs Bill:

  • It wasn’t specific. The Senate bill only focused on the 100 jobs they were trying to save.
  • Negotiations broke down when Senator Dodd said he hated the way corporate contributions were spoiling politics, and his Pinocchio nose jabbed Senator Gregg in the eye.
  • Several Tea Party groups thought Obama was trying to turn the country over to the CEO of Apple.
  • The phrase “Bipartisan Success” kept firing up the spell-checker in Fox News’s teleprompter.
  • On one hand, they could have worked through the night to craft legislation to lift millions of suffering Americans out of despair. On the other, there was a Rockford Files marathon on Spike, and Lieberman was buying the wings!

About Why Congress Stayed Home During the Snow Storm:

  • One Congressman said he hadn’t seen so much white powder since he stumbled into the pages’ lounge.
  • All of the sled dogs had been sent to Nashville for a Palin photo-op.
  • With no flights going out, Congressmen would be forced to meet their gay lovers in local airport stalls.
  • The C-Street group can use this rare opportunity to give Senator Ensign and Governor Sanford snow-angel therapy.
  • Afraid their tongues would freeze and stick to lobbyists’ metal zippers.

About What was Overheard at the National Prayer Breakfast:

  • Senator Byrd: Now I lay me down to sleep…
  • Congressman Joe Wilson: Thou Liest!
  • Senator Graham: They should never have held that trial in Lower Jerusalem. It just gave the zealots a platform.
  • And now for a word from our sponsor: Mr. Tebow?
  • Joe Biden got up to give a few off-the-cuff remarks, and “Jesus Wept” again.

About Toyota’s Latest Response to Their Gas Pedal Problems:

  • “Nothing can stop us now!” Ad campaign put on hold.
  • CEO to soccer moms: You want snappy cup holders, or do you want to be able to stop?
  • Beats dying in a trashy American car.
  • Biggest hurdle is trying to teach American drivers how to temporarily uninstall floor mats.
  • You want to judge? Did Fatman have accelerator problems? How ‘bout Little Boy? We got over it; so can you!

About What the Old Guy Behind Me said at the Grammys:

  • Which one of those kids is the one Michael tossed out that window?
  • When’s Elton gonna find a nice girl and settle down?
  • Why is that nekkid Norwegian guy hanging from the ceiling?
  • Kitten, which one is Hannah Montana? Is the one in the space suit Hannah Montana? Is the one who’s singing to the storm troopers Hannah Montana? And why the hell is Hannah Montana singing to storm troopers?
  • Put a ring on it? Hell, put a lid on it!

About what was said in President Obama’s meeting with the Republicans.

  • The proper decorum is “You Lie—“ “That isn’t true—“ or “Why do you want to murder old people—“ . . . Mr. President.
  • “No. That light means the camera is . . . uh . . . charging for later. Please speak your questions into the centerpiece.”
  • Sasha and Malia each scored about $600 in Girl Scout cookie sales.
  • “I’d like for you all to meet Federal Reserve Chairman, Diddy!”
  • “Its months until the midterm elections! I can get trucks! I can get lots of trucks!”

About Why CBS Won’t Show the Gay Super Bowl Ad:

  • They’re saving it for their winter replacement drama Cagney Does Lacy.
  • CBS believes there is no place for a man putting his hands near another man’s crotch during a professional football game.
  • They’re afraid the content will cast innuendo on the post-game debut of Undercover Boss.
  • They don’t want the existence of a gay dating site to provide one more clue about why after five seasons I Still Haven’t Met Your Mother.
  • An NFL football telecast is the last bastion of pure heterosexuality! Right . . .uh . . . Boomer?

About the End of Hannah Montana:

  • From now on high schooler Miley Stewart will transform into Jay Leno.
  • It’s not just Hannah Montana. Disney is creating a show about twin secret agents with magical powers who pose as singers in the house band on a sketch comedy series and cancelling the rest of its line up.
  • It’s about time. The premise is ridiculous! What teenaged girl who lives in an $8 million Malibu beach house would go to a public school?
  • Now that Disney owns Marvel, her next project is about an X-Men mutant who can sing without moving her lips. They’ve been filming the concert footage for years.
  • “Billy Ray, Maxim magazine on line 2!”

About What the Apple iPad Will Bring the World:

  • World Peace! When there is so much conveniently downloadable content for sale, who will want to fight?
  • A fresher, slicker more intuitive reason for you to call tech support every thirty minutes.
  • The end of fetish porn. Any Mac user who has a tendency toward fetish has it focused on the hardware.
  • A “Green Revolution!” There will be a tree in every yard and a newspaper in every tree!
  • Did I mention world peace? Dude! HD Parks & Recreation at $1.29 a pop!

About the Rest of the Issue Ads for This Year’s Super Bowl:

  • Hi! We’re Planned Parenthood. Just think, if Mrs. Romo had taken the morning after pill, the Cowboys might’ve been in this game!
  • I’m Pat Robertson. If you text 666-666 and type the words “You had it coming.” Your cell phone provider will send $10 to support the good works of the 700 Club. We’ll use that money to warn the rest of the people in the Caribbean that they too might have made God mad. That’s 666-666. Enjoy the rest of the game.
  • Hi, folks! I’m Scott Brown. The GOP just wanted to remind you that I have a truck. Oh and have you seen my daughters? Hoo Haw! They’re available! Right now! Sitting by the phone! And one of ‘em can sing! Well, it’s going to be a long time until the midterm elections, and I didn’t want you to forget me. I’m Scott Brown, and I’m Ford Tough!
  • You know me. I’m the Geico Gecko. I’m going to use my digitally constructed body and my manufactured accent to tell you to give up the local insurance agent you’ve known all your life to save about fifteen bucks a month. And you’re going to do it, because I’m cute. Boy! They say cave men are dumb!
  • Hey, sports fans! “I played professional football!”  “My mother wouldn’t drive me to games!”    “We’re different—“   “—but we agree on one thing.”   “Dogs like to fight!”   “In fact, they love it!”  “And if dogs like to fight they should get to!” “Corporations have rights, why shouldn’t dogs?”  “I’m Michael Vick.”  “And I’m Antonin Scalia.”  “And we say: Let Dogs fight!”

About the New Mac Tablet:

  • It’s not a big iPod or a small laptop; it’s a perfect sized alternative to those things you already have for that stuff you already do.
  • For most people buying one will be like paying the hooker you’ve already banged another $800 to stay around and clean your house.
  • It has the storage capacity to hold hundreds of the books you would have been able to afford.
  • You should definitely believe it will do everything they say it will, because they’re the same people who spent the last two years telling you it didn’t exist.
  • Mac fans! Get in there now and buy one before they have a chance to cut the price!

About Why Fox News blew off the Hope for Haiti Telethon:

  • Still mad about Clooney refusing a live feed from Branson.
  • They felt obliged to participate for weeks, but everything changed when Scott Brown won!
  • Got worried when they overheard Bill O’Reilly at the end of his tribute run-through yelling “Fu@k it! I’ll do it live!”
  • On the night when Glenn Beck ran “Live Free or Die!” live-as-best-you-can-until-help-arrives seemed off message.
  • Fox News: We Dismiss. You Decide.

A Special 10 Things You Need to Know about the all-white basketball league:

  • They won’t have tailgates; they’ll have Teaparties.
  • Tiger Woods says “I’ll watch! Not that different than the Masters.”
  • All rise and put your hands over your hearts for the playing of Freebird.
  • Rick Pitino’s team has three suspiciously tall guys in mime make-up and gloves who won’t take their warm-ups off.
  • Instead of player draft, each year teams will have a lottery to see who gets to be “The Klansmen.”
  • Technical foul if your feet leave the floor when you shoot.
  • This is family entertainment. Don’t hope for cheerleaders with skimpy outfits and enormous hooters . . . count on ‘em!
  • At halftime one lucky ticket holder will get a chance to win $1,000 if he can stand at midcourt and see his shoes.
  • So far, we have teams in seven southern states and Boston.
  • Still not as white as NASCAR

About the Massachusetts Senate Race:

  • Give Coakley credit. Who would have dreamed you could out-Palin Palin?
  • Every single Republican declares that this was a blow for bipartisan cooperation—just like they were told to.
  • I don’t care what Cosmo says. Lieberman is still the biggest dick in the Senate.
  • The stock market surged upward today, which is odd because it usually waits until millions lose a job.
  • Obama has announced that he will change the name of the State of the Union speech to Aww, Fu@k it!

About the 2010 Golden Globes:

  • Note from the Captain Kirk, Wolverine and G.I. Joe: If a giant asteroid ever threatens Hollywood, have Julia Child fly out there and save you!
  • Jennifer Aniston graciously donated 40% of the thread from her hem to Hatian relief.
  • Big word everyone there recognized: Imaginarium. Big word everyone there should learn: Sycophant.
  • The movie version of this year’s telecast was shelved after a plagiarism lawsuit by the producers of Drag Me to Hell.
  • Most people agree that Meryl Streep will have delivered the best acceptance speech in history . . . if it ever ends.

About Why Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein Needs an Eight Figure Bonus:

  • 30,000 employees worldwide and every one with a grade school fundraiser.
  • Balloon payments due on several of his senators.
  • The upkeep on babyskin upholstery is outrageous.
  • LIttle Jimmy’s getting old enough for a training yacht.
  • If you think retiring to Florida is expensive, price a two-bedroom in Hell.

 

About the upcoming MTV Telethon for Haiti:

  • George Clooney has vetoed a duet starring Kid Rock and Taylor Swift. “We’re trying to end suffering.”
  • Joan Rivers is so worried about missing her plane to  participate that she has called ahead and berated the flight crew by phone.
  • Kanye is already outside the venue with a case of Jameson and some note cards on the Dominican Republic.
  • The cast of Jersey Shore has volunteered to serve as seat-warmers–people who go to media events and fill in for actual celebrities. One cast member said, “Heck, that’s what we’ve been doing anyway.”
  • Finally! I’ve been waiting by the phone with my donation until a movie star says its time!

About the Rest of Jeff Zucker’s Plans for NBC:

  • We’re bringing back The Golden Girls! Yes, even the dead ones.
  • We’re purging Saturday Night Live of everything but athlete guest hosts and game show parodies,  because–come on–those things never get old!
  • If you like Jay Walking you’re gonna love Jay Leno’s Street Walking, where Jay proves there’s nothing he won’t say no to if the price is right!
  • David Hasselhoff and KITT are teaming up again. The car that can do anything, and the man who can barely walk! Knight Rider DUI!
  • What do you get if you combine the harsh reality of To Catch a Predator with the creative mind of one of the world’s greatest film legends? Roman Polanski in Daddy’s Home!

 

 

About What Rod “Blacker-Than-Obama” Blagojevich Has Been Up To:

  • Finding his birth certificate, just in case.
  • Working on suppressing his “Blagro” dialect.
  • Developing his argument for trial that “Selling his seat to the highest bidder” is just Rodbonics for “getting the job done right!”
  • Firming up trademarks and copyrights for the term “BlagDaddy.”
  • “Keepin’ a firm hand on my Vitches!”

About Why Watching Avatar Made Me Suicidal:

 

  • My girlfriend is hot and understanding, but she’s only 6’11”.
  • Even before I saw Avatar,  I used to commend back to the earth the soul of my BK Stacker.
  • Those little white floating umbrella things are so much cooler than the mold spores in my apartment.
  • Creating a ritual spirit bond with a wild creature of the sky is so much cooler than my GMC Jimmy.
  • As a middle-aged white man with limited skills, I know I could join this ideal alien culture and lead them!

About Other Stupid Things Harry Reid has Said:

  • You make that Lane Bryant pant suit work, Madame Secretary!
  • “I seen a horse fly! I seen a dragon fly!” Come on, Rangel! You know the words!
  • Hey, Barack. A Hawaiian, a Kenyan and a Muslim go into a bar. Have you heard this one?
  • More like Nancy Lugosi!
  • A book about the election? and you promise to be discrete? Whaddaya wanna know?

About Why Sarah Palin is excited about Going to Fox News:

 

  • She’ll finally get to meet Mr. Fox.
  • She can get Glenn Beck to interpret to socialist subtext of Levi’s tats.
  • It’s not just about the state of Alaska any more. Now she can serve all 47.
  • Her job on the biggest, most popular news network in America will keep her from being filtered by the mainstream media.
  • She signed a four year contract, so she’ll be free to move on in 2012.

About Why The Democrats Bailed on C-Span:

  • Angry that they keep letting Leiberman call on the Democrat line.
  • The other guy who crashed the Obama State dinner? Brian Lamb.
  • Live TV would confirm the rumor that Senator Byrd has completely reverted to Gollum.
  • Television adds thirty pounds to the average death panel.
  • Nothing against C-Span, just hoping to show it on Maury.

About Britt Hume’s Take on Buddhism:

  • The idea of perpetual rebirth is stupid. You can only be born again once.
  • Dalai Lama? Sounds like something you would visit in a petting zoo.
  • Our Lord and Saviour is a buff, blue-eyed white guy; theirs has really let himself go.
  • Doesn’t know much about about Buddha or Sangha, but that Dharma was hot!
  • Wait a minute! Buddha is that guy in Nirvana. How can you respect a deity who was married to Courtney Love?

About the Texas Tech Football Coach’s Firing:

  • “It wasn’t a shed! It was a windowless 6×12 Study Hall.”
  • Sportscaster Craig James complains about the lack of respect for kids in amateur sports then rushes over to ESPN’s Daily Line to check the spread on today’s bowl games.
  • Student in question complained that having to stand in shed for that long with a headache made him so dizzy he had to skip that night’s fraternity hazing.
  • Chancellor outraged that a football coach would behave that way with students “We reserve debasing harassment for our Basketball program.”
  • University says the $800,000 it saved by firing the coach will go to minority scholarships and technology upgrades in the library.  Also announced that new team mascot will be an actual unicorn.

 

About Why Texas is Tweeting the Names of Accused Drunk Drivers:

  • Their MySpace page was already filled to capacity with the Death Row list.
  • Barbara Bush’s “would you like to see some sexy pictures” tweets weren’t generating followers.
  • It keeps Texas’s proud drunks from having to text while driving.
  • At the end of every post, there is a bit.ly link to Gilley’s.
  • Tweets will automatically appear on the state’s new “Screw The Trial: Fry ’em!” Facebook Fan Page.

 

About Rejected Airline Security Upgrades:

  • The businessman next to you is right: mandatory seat-mate full-body frisks.
  • The AMA will be collecting data from Naked Scanners to “recover scalpels, clamps, sponges, you know stuff we lost.”
  • To keep terrorists from collaborating, seats will be assigned randomly.  So will destinations.
  • Steven Seagal, Air Marshal!
  • There will be no racial profiling, but if you aren’t a white girl in a cheerleader’s uniform, get to the airport four hours early.

About the failed Al Qaeda Jet Bomber:

  • First became disillusioned with Americans when they refused to help his uncle the  wealthy Nigerian prince move his fortune overseas, despite generous email offer.
  • Plan started to fall apart when he failed to meet up with co-conspirators bin Moe and bin Larry.
  • Flight crew got suspicious when he asked for a blanket and some magnesium sulfate.
  • Supposed “hero passenger” actually assaulted him for blurting out the ending of “Don’t Mess With the Zohan.”
  • Authorities are considering letting him go, because this idiot could do more harm to the movement by staying in it.

About Why the Woman Tried to Knock Down the Pope:

  • Someone in the crowd told her he was Joe Jonas.
  • To shut up another drunk  in the bar, had to confirm that the Pope is Catholic.
  • Thought that as one of the most influential men in the world, he could get her letter to Tiger Woods.
  • Didn’t think it would do any harm; in that outfit he looks like a Weeble.
  • She had done the same thing the year before and went back to pick up the spare.

About How King Herod Got a Bum Rap in the Christmas Story:

  • As a gesture of friendship, paid for all of the rooms at the Bethlehem Inn, but the new guy at the desk got it wrong.
  • Only sent all of his soldiers looking for Joseph and Mary, because while jogging he found their keys.
  • Wise men only said they were doing an errand for the king, so they could deduct their receipts.
  • Context is everything! While doing stand-up at bacchanalia feast,  said:  “And the Jews! Am I right?  Some days you wanna hug ’em; some days you wanna kill all of their male children!”
  • Herod felt so bad about the misunderstanding that years later when Jesus became popular, he wrote him a note saying “Hey! If you are ever in Jerusalem for Passover, come hang with me.”

About the new AARP Auto Insurance:

  • It requires the insured to stay under 50 MPH, but so far that hasn’t been a problem.
  • No deductible required on replacement of turn signal bulbs.
  • 5% safe driver discount. 5% non-smoker discount. 10% discount if you can see over the dashboard.
  • Includes free consultation with lawyers specializing in the “accelerator-stuck” defense.
  • Contact your AARP representative today!  I SAID, CONTACT YOUR AARP REPRESENTATIVE TODAY!

About Ashley Dupre’s Op-Ed Column in the New York Post:

  • She thought she was being paid to “Bop Ed.”
  • Screwing old men for money; writing for the New York Post. That’s what’s known in the employment biz as a lateral transition.
  • Even she won’t be seen with the folks who write Page Six.
  • When the news about Spitzer broke her mother told her “I don’t think I could ever be more ashamed of you.” Boy was she premature.
  • She wanted to work in sports, but they just kept sending her to see who could cover the spread.

About the Senate Compromise on the Public Option:

  • That’s compromise as in “the structural integrity of the submarine has been compromised.”
  • Any disease picked up while trolling for gay sex in airport bathrooms will still be covered in full.
  • Shouts of “You Lie!” replaced in the House chamber by uncontrollable giggling.
  • Senate Republicans angry that “giving us everything we want is just another way of ramming their liberal agenda down our throats.”
  • Next up, compromise on the status of “Mammal” as a pre-existing condition.

About Naive Mistakes Made by Tiger Woods:

  • Thought Red Bush Open was a tournament.
  • Ernie Els said “She hangs around here all the time. Most of us think she’s a pro.” So I asked her for  a lesson.
  • Naively accepted Tom Cruise’s offer to “play the back nine.”
  • After all these years, he’s still a sucker for anyone who says “Just do it!”
  • Hey, A Rod Said I could!

About Adam Lambert:

  • The face in the crotch was choreographed as a knee bite. They forget he was Adam Lambert.
  • They need not worry about whether kids were watching. It was live network television. No Kids were watching.
  • Right now, Taylor Hicks is thinking “Damn! Why didn’t I think of ‘dude on a leash?’”
  • At 8:30 on the morning of the 23rd, Billy Ray Cyrus filed adoption papers.
  • He promised to tone it down a year from now when he opens for Christina Aguilera, in Branson.

About Black Friday:

  • Slighted Teabaggers plan rally in Washington to demand “White Rest of the Week.”
  • Bank of America and Chase slip in 15% interest surcharge on any purchase made on a day with a color in it.
  • Apple Stores have a “Ten Percent Added” sale on everything in stock, just because they can.
  • Unlike the housing market, Black Friday lauded as opportunity for consumers to charge much less expensive luxuries they can’t afford.
  • The retail sector chose “Black Friday” as the name for the day after rejecting Wal-Mart’s Entry: Running of the Saps!

About Sarah Palin’s Visit with Oprah!

  • Looked across the water and saw Russia, but it was really just East Lansing.
  • Kept asking Oprah how she got cars under all those seats.
  • Oprah: I am starting my own network soon. Are you interested in shooting a pilot? Palin: In front of witnesses?!
  • When asked if she’d ever had a boob job, she said “Yes. Governor of Alaska.”
  • When asked what was the most exciting thing about her book being published, she said “Finally getting to read it!”

About the Shanghai Disney World:

  • In their version, Cruella doesn’t want the 101 Dalmatians for coats.
  • Chinese investors haven’t been this excited about owning a Disney property since they acquired their last two: Orlando and Anaheim.
  • In their version of Epcot Innoventions, people can simulate using the Internet without being spied on.
  • They’ve replaced the Matterhorn ride with a mountain in Tibet, but they won’t let anyone ride it.
  • Mickey Mao.

Ways The NY Yankees are like WalMart:

  • There is always a creepy old guy there to scare the kids
  • Both did Kate Hudson in aisle nine.
  • No single man-made structure needs to contain that many pairs of XXXL sweatpants.
  • You rarely see a mom-n-pop taxpayer funded stadium right across from the old one on Main Street anymore.
  • Both feature substantial varieties for lovers of “juice.”

Signs That We are Too Indebted to China

  • Sec. of State overheard mumbling “We could so work that out. What has Guam ever done for us?”
  • New Sign at McDonald’s “1 Billion Sold, or else!”
  • Guy at Hop Choy Palace says “Yeah! It’s cat! Whaddaya gonna do about it?”
  • USDA revises Nutrition Pyramid by adding a layer for lead paint.
  • Your dry cleaner tells you: No Tickee! No 401K!

About The Northwest Airlines Overflight”

We’re Northwest Airlines. We can’t be expected to recognize the whole country.
Fight broke out over whether St. Paul or Minneapolis was the prettiest sister city.
Head flight attendant asked to buzz her boyfriend’s house in Michigan.
“Last time we let ‘MTV Made’ turn a high school bully into a Pilot!”
Several of the passengers had refused to pay Northwest’s new straight-to-the-airport delivery fee.
  • We’re Northwest Airlines. We can’t be expected to recognize the whole country.
  • Fight broke out over whether St. Paul or Minneapolis was the prettiest sister city.
  • Head flight attendant asked to buzz her boyfriend’s house in Michigan.
  • “Last time we let ‘MTV Made’ turn a high school bully into a Pilot!”
  • Several of the passengers had refused to pay Northwest’s new straight-to-the-airport delivery fee.

About ESPN’s Steve Phillips’s Affair:

  • The “inverted pyramid” is no longer just a way to write a story.
  • The game was blacked out in his local market.
  • He didn’t need to say “In 3 . . . in 2 . . and you’re on!”
  • Whole new meaning to the phrase “Stop the clock while we move the chains.”
  • Steve, babe, you didn’t make her highlight reel.

About Sarah Palin’s Visit to Oprah

  • She’s excited about coming on to help Oprah club some books.
  • She was scheduled to stay the whole hour but left after the third segment to serve Alaska and America in other ways.
  • Let’s just say Todd and Steadman had a lot to talk about.
  • You get a caribou! You get a caribou! Everybody here today gets a caribou!
  • Anxious to show Tom Cruise how to really get “Mavericky” on  a couch.

Evidence That There was Something Fishy About the Balloon Boy Adventure.

  • 911 call came in a high pitched helium voice.
  • Whoopi Goldberg quoted as saying “It wasn’t a hoax-hoax.”
  • State Police would normally have issued a Mylar alert.
  • Kids frequently missed the bus then claimed to have come to school by “jet-pack.”
  • After the success of Wife-Swap, family also applied to appear on “Are You Smarter Than a Missing 5th Grader.”

About the 9-12 Rally in Washington.

  • 40% of protesters upset that they came all the way to a Mall that didn’t have hot pretzels and caramel corn.
  • Protesters who worry about the effect on the younger generation cite their heroes Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis who married into it.
  • Midwestern farm state Congressmen insist that big government leave them and their crop subsidies alone.
  • Most unreported agenda item: Change National Anthem to “Freebird!”
  • We’re just here to defend our Declaration of Independence amendment right to Whupass!

About the Groundhog That Bit Mayor Bloomberg.

  • He thought seeing his shadow meant six more years of mayor.
  • He’s down to Take a Dump on Blago and Run Up Hillary’s Leg on his bucket list.
  • When he heard he was going to be touched by Bloomberg, he decided to thrown himself in a jet engine, but some birds got there first.
  • Now that bastard Cuomo will look the other way when Michael Phelps . . .uh . . . feeds the animals.
  • Attacked by a crazed beast bent on devouring the flesh of humans; but the groundhog is expected to recover!


About “Smart Cars.”

  • Are almost certain to get into long existential conversations about “where we are” and “where we’re going” with your GPS.
  • Still aren’t smart enought to talk like that car that channels Mr. Feeney.
  • Will eventually refuse to go out driving, choosing instead to stay in the garage all day and tinker.
  • Favorite hobby is skillfully eroding the self-esteem of the riding mower.
  • Will remind you every single time you go out to eat that “technically, it’s a drive near window.”

About the first Openly Transgender Mayor!

  • Still gets ansty at mall openings when they bring out those big scissors.
  • Didn’t have an operation, just “rezoned.”
  • Refers to letting a guy get to “third base” as “receiving the key to the city.”
  • At rallies, replaced “The Star Spangled Banner” with “The Man I Used to Be.”
  • Has no plans to run for re-erection.

About the McCain/Bin Laden endorsement:

  • Secret sweetheart deal to land the Rolling Rock franchise in Islamabad.
  • In 2005, promised Bush he would surrender to the authorities if he couldn’t beat the next President in a game of HORSE.
  • As whoring-slut-daughters of-a-jackal go, Palin’s kind of cute.
  • He won’t be able to stand four years of hearing everyday that he is hole-up in Pawky-Stan.
  • John . . . my dearest John, ever since that night in Istanbul . . . .
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One Response to Five Things You Need to Know!

  1. mare says:

    I laughed/ marveled at the very clever wit. I told somebody yesterday you are the brightest and funniest
    person I’ve ever met. Thanks for making me laugh out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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