Sarah Palin is “The Dear Hunter!” (a film synopsis)

Outline for Pitch

Title:            The Dear Hunter

Authors (information privileged pending contract)


This is the story of Sarah Palin, a young Alaskan girl from a small town who enlists in the culture wars and ships off to foreign lands.  When she comes home, she is forced to come to terms with how much she, her friends and her country have changed (if at all) and finds out that the war at home can be as painful as the one she left. She is eventually tragically destroyed by petty enemies of freedom.


Scene One:            The Wedding.

Sarah is turning eighteen in a few months and trying to decide what to do with her life. She thought of joining the army but didn’t for two reasons–first because it was the middle of the 1980s and Ronald Reagan had made war go away, and second because Reagan himself had both gotten out of the army by flunking an eye test and been able to win elections based on his war record!  Sarah who was very religious by nature considered this a miracle and also a sign. So instead, she decided to follow the more traditional path that so many teenagers who truly value domestic life follow—one of ferreting out government waste wherever she could find it by going to college and training to become an investigative journalist.

Tonight she is at the wedding of her older sister, Malkin [note: Malkin is not Sarah’s actual sister; she is a composite character designed to represent what happens to young women who give in to lust and have unprotected sex.].  Malkin is getting married in a hurry, because she is pregnant and first, must consummate her marriage early enough to declare that her child was born premature, and second early enough to realize her dream of dancing on television by appearing on Soul Train.

While at the wedding, she and her other college-bound friends see Senator Ted Stevens sitting at the bar. [This fictionalized meeting is intended to advance the plot. While it never happened and would probably be considered a baseless, unethical attack in any other medium, it is necessary to the flow of the script and hence justified.] Sarah and her friends offer a toast to the man who in their eyes represents everything they love and respect about America, but he refuses to accept the gesture and instead asks the girls if any of them would like to control his pork. Angered and disappointed, they leave him and go back to partying with their friends.

Scene Two:            The Jungle.

The heat, the primitive customs of locals an especially the distance from home terrified Sarah, but she had decided on her own to come to Hawaii, and she resigned herself to make it work.  While she never shied away from adventure, she felt as though people back home had misinformed her. She was told Hawaii was part of America, but everywhere she looked all she saw were Polynesians, Samoans and Blacks—hardly any Americans at all. It was a brutal life, and it would change her outlook on the world forever.

Scene Three:            Wasilla Roulette.

[This scene is also composite. The game itself doesn’t actually exist; it is a plot device to symbolize visually a developing pattern of interior thought.] One night, she meets one of the white-ish cheerleaders and a couple of tourists from the mainland for a drinking party on the beach. After they get drunk they play a new game Sarah has invented: Wasilla Roulette. She brings out the pistol she always carried in her purse in case of a Hawaiian moose attack. It is Truth or Dare, but instead of choosing the player shoots the pistol into the air. If the chamber is empty, you tell the most horrible secret about yourself you can think of. If it goes off you have to “do it” with one of the other players. Since the gun is never loaded, it ends up being a boring game but a great way for Sarah to get dirt about her companions. Sarah becomes obsessed. In her mind she has never lost a single game, because she has never ever revealed a “truth” about herself that is even remotely true. In life, Sarah had always had to worry about whatever she did or said, because she might be held accountable for it later. In Wasilla Roulette, she can just flat out lie and get away with it. It is amazing even to her. It’s like when people think you are revealing a moment of your innermost soul they never even bother to check if that moment is consistent with any of the other moments you have ever revealed before.  If your revelation were gritty or poignant enough, they would just hang on it, embrace it, and then abandon it in hope of another.  Playing Wasilla Roulette was as close as she got to God.

Scene Four:            One-Shot.

Sarah had always been known in hunting circles as One-Shot, because she loved having her picture taken with dead animals. She hated chasing them or carrying them, but she loved having her picture taken with a dead one. That and her natural good looks made always made it easy for the photographer to get a good picture of Sarah and her corpse in “one shot.”   When Sarah’s tour in the jungles of the Pacific were over, she returned stateside, bummed around at a few other schools in a few more traditionally American states, then returned home. But she didn’t return home as the little girl who left.  In this scene, we go back to Wasilla, where Sarah seems to be living a normal life as a mother and housewife. What we see, but that the other townspeople don’t know is Sarah sneaking out almost every night and playing Wasilla Roulette with local gossip mavens and business people. Soon she has enough dirt on people to become the skilled insurgent she was never able to become in the jungle. She gets the hunter’s lust for power. She is no longer able to fulfill her fantasies with phony pictures of dead animals. She wants human pelts, and she wants to drop them herself!  She stalks and corners a God-fearing mayoral incumbent named John Stein.  Even though he has been a steady church-goer for two decades, a local radio station champions her as Wasilla’s first “Christian Mayor.” She takes Ol’ John Stein down in One Shot!

Scene Five:            Mama Grizzly.

As the film closes, we develop the theme of the basic human tragedy that people who are more honest, harder working, just better than other people just like them are eventually attacked and destroyed by the inferior, less deserving people who envy them.  In the climactic scene, Sarah is playing Wasilla Roulette with Mika Brzezinski and Whoopie Goldberg, and the game is not going well. Whoopie isn’t actually lying; it’s just that she has told so many contradictory stories about her past she honestly can’t recall which ones are true. Meanwhile, Brzesinski, who can count, recognizes that the six-shooter has been fired eight times without going off.  Sarah is so confused by trying to keep track of Whoopie’s ramblings that when Mika begins to confront her with her own inconsistencies, she retreats into a fugue state where she imagines herself as a Jewish woman in a concentration camp whose children are being stolen away and sold by Christians. She is dazedly screaming about “Blood Libel” and crosshairs that look like crosshairs but aren’t, and other bewildering things as her house of cards come crashing down around her.

The End.


About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
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