- Distressed by the continuing anger of the Tea Party, all of the rest of Americans will band together to give them everything they want–which will just piss them off.
- Despite the risk to national security, 2,110,541 American men will sign a Maxim Magazine internet petition demanding amnesty for redheaded Russian intelligence agent Anna Chapman so she can come spy on us again.
- Fans of 24 hour news channels will be shocked at the revelation of Keith Olbermann’s and Tucker Carlson’s gay love tryst. That shock will quickly dissipate when after just a few moments of reflection those same fans realize that . . . yeah . . . they really sort of saw it coming.
- This will be the year when Conservatives finally figure out that Valentines’ Day and Arbor Day are really just a plot by the bacchanalians and the Druids to get an eight-to-ten month head start on the War on Christmas.
- The Travel Channel will debut it’s new reality show in which Christine O’Donnell will travel the length and breadth of her home state looking for a Delaware Water Gap that is actually in New Jersey.
- Speaking of New Jersey, in the debut of this season’s Jersey Shore, Snookie will have consumed so much alcohol that the simple act of grinding against the crotch of the new male cast member, “Brillo”, will cause her to spontaneously combust.
- The brain trust for Barrack Obama’ 2012 campaign will announce that they are changing his slogan from “Yes We Can” to “If My Supporters Don’t Like It, They Can Kiss My Ass!”
- Speaking of politics, New York Governor-Elect Andrew Cuomo will be rushed by ambulance from his inauguration to a local hospital when saying “My goal is to bring to the Statehouse the fresh perspective of a political outsider.” makes him laugh so hard he spits up blood.
- In order to save money, middle schools all over America will just give blue ribbons to teachers’ kids and the usual award winners instead of actually holding science fairs.
- Yale University will go an entire academic year without giving any grade lower than a B.
- The President of Yale University will give a keynote speech to wealthy alumni and donors decrying public school grade inflation.
- Michael Vick will score a rushing touchdown in the Super Bowl and celebrate by killing his mascot.
- The academy award for best picture will go to The Story of Why, a film only released on Sony Picture Classics Co-CEO Michael Barker’s 84″ plasma flatscreen.
- An unidentifiable flying object, bluish in color and roughly 12 feet long will descend on London, liberate Wikileaks editor Julian Assange and return him to the mother ship.