Dear Reprimander-in-Chief:

I know you are busy. Heck either standing tall on the world stage or bending over backwards to placate your opponents here at home would be a full time job. Working overtime everyday to do both must be taxing.  Nevertheless, I feel obligated to reach out to you because you were recently thoughtful enough to reach out to me. Okay technically you didn’t reach out to me by name, but hey what has two thumbs and is a “sanctimonious purist?” THIS GUY!

I know you are frustrated. Who wouldn’t be?  Republican Presidents aren’t expected to keep their promises. Republican Presidents get to be dim witted oafs who hire religiously correct incompetents, kill thousands of innocent citizens in ginned up wars, and spend thirty percent of their year on the set–sorry, at the ranch.  But your prickly supporters hold you to a different, much more unrealistic standard. They expect you to mean what you say! Yeah, I know! What the hell?!  When you said you were going to change the culture in Washington, we shouldn’t have expected you to do it overnight, or over say over 365 nights, or even 707 nights. I look at it this way. At the rate you are going, you will be a failed one term President, and the loonies on the extreme right will be so emboldened and the left so deflated that there won’t be another Democratic President in a generation. That will definitely change the culture in Washington.

Promise kept!

So yes, I sympathize with you–wouldn’t trade jobs for all the e-coli that is still in my fruits and vegetables. That said, there are a few things I would like to suggest:

1. Get your head in the game. I don’t know where it is right now. I know it’s not up your ass, because if it was Boehner or McConnell would have found while they were poking around in there.  You came up as an organizer, not a suit, but now you are sitting around like the Vice President of Human Resources.  You seem to think that campaign-mode is unbecoming the Commander-in-Chief. But it’s not. Be a little more like Clinton. Getting head from an intern in the Oval Office is unbecoming the Commander-in-Chief (and just generally creepy) so don’t do that, but sustaining the zeal of your transformative campaign would be heroic. Your ascension to the Presidency was a watershed, and you are treating it like a water park. Which brings me to my second point.

2. Get Over Your Daddy Issues. I know it’s going to hurt, but I have to say this as boldly as I can. These guys are NEVER going to respect you.  Never. Never ever ever ever infinity. The more you try to be like them, to treat them as equals, to show them you are grown-up and that you have “put away childish things” the more their contempt will grow. The current generation of Republicans firmly and wholly believe the the Presidency of the United States of America is their property. No Democrat, especially not a liberal Democrat, deserves to squat there. It is theirs, and they even have a Supreme Court to help them back that up. They have so little respect for your party that they deliberately refuse to pronounce its name correctly. You aren’t the Democratic Party, you are the “Democrat Party.” Do you call them the Repulicos? Or the Repos (which these days would be more accurate)?  They do not see you and yours as their opponents; they see you as their inferiors. Which brings me to my third and, I promise, final point.

3. You have to make them understand that they work FOR you before they will ever be willing to work with you.  You are the President of the United States. You are the first among equals, yet you insist on bringing a putty knife and a box of donut holes to a nuclear war.  You have to negotiate from a position of superiority–from strength. You claimed that they were holding the unemployed hostage.  That makes them kidnappers or terrorists.  Do we negotiate with kidnappers and terrorists? NO! We do what Reagan did–stand tough, get our people back, then sneak them weapons and money later when no one is looking. You got “the best deal you could.”  So you gave the kidnappers the money and head start but not the plane? Do you think the people who will still get benefits for another few months will really be grateful to you? Do you think they are glad you are President, because McCain would never have given them the extra money? You are wrong. No Republican President would cut benefits in this economy. They only threatened to, because they knew you would blink. You blink so wildly and so often, people think you are having a seizure.  Deference is only a successful strategy when you have made it perfectly clear that deference is yours to use or choose as you please. Once it becomes your habit, you are doomed.

Okay, I am going to wrap it up. You are a busy man, and it can’t be easy to read this tiny print in the darkness under your desk. Besides, Immigration Reform is coming up. These guys are going to run you ragged.


Just another Barry from the hood.


About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
This entry was posted in barack, citizenship, Democratic, democrats, Domestic, obama, Opinion, politics, president, satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Dear Reprimander-in-Chief:

  1. Greg Alexander says:

    I think I’ll take a little bit of this advice myself. Thanks, Professor! Nice biblical reference in point #2. I’m impressed!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s