With November bringing possibly the most important election since Ken Howard beat those three or four other people who weren’t working often enough to keep them from being president of the Screen Actors’ Guild, attention must be paid to making the outcome represent the true intentions of the electorate. With so many states adopting new voting systems, and so many people who no one had ever heard of until a few weeks ago running for office, there is a tremendous likelihood of voter confusion. Whoever you are and for whomever you have decided to vote, you deserve to walk in to that voting booth of clear mind and walk out with confidence.
With that goal, I have two pieces of advice. First, don’t worry about the names. Focus instead on the party affiliation of the candidate. Those affiliations will be clearly marked in the booth and will not be easy to confuse with the others.
Second, before you go into the booth, print the following material and glue each section to a 4×6 note card. Take those note cards into the booth with you, so that you will remember what to do.
Don’t forget to vote!
Will we lurch so far to the left that come 2011, it will take all 65 Democrats in the senate to capitulate to the remaining 35 Republicans? Will we lurch so far to the right that the four left-leaning Supreme Court justices will be replaced with strict constitutional originalists Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Will Texas secede from the union, and if so, will Jewel go with them?
History awaits your decision!
Instructions: The content below is divided into key election issues. These issues were chosen after an intensive statistical analysis supporting the conclusion that these would be the issue most likely to influence the vote. Under each issue is listed the general position on that issue held by the member of the party with which it is identified. The parties are Democrat, Republican, and Tea. If you are planning to vote for any other party in this election, just write your ballot on a square sheet of paper, fold it into a swan and float it to the polls on the nearest stream or river.
Save the gas—hippy!
We strongly favored the stimulus. We were for it, before we needed it. I mean look at the New Deal. Because of the New Deal, one generation was pulled out of poverty and several more had industrial power plants to picket, Midwestern farmers on whom to blame our bloated children and labor unions to whom to condescend.
We opposed it. We opposed it when President Bush suggested it. We opposed it when we agreed to go along with it. We opposed it when we voted for it. And we oppose it every single time we spend the money we got when we applied for it!
We opposed it before we knew there was one. We opposed it while we knew there was one, but we didn’t know what was in it. Now we know what is in it but oppose it because “Stimulus” just sounds dirty. We especially oppose the bailout of the car companies, even though we really, really like that commercial where George Washington drives a Charger to fight the British.
Taxing the Rich:
We support it. The only way to make the economic system in America fair is to take money from people who have a lot of it and give that money to people who don’t have as much. That way, the people who didn’t have much will soon have enough that we can take it from them. It’s the circle of life.
Of course we oppose taxing the rich. The rich create jobs. As the theory of trickle-down economics has shown since the Reagan administration, if you let the rich keep their money, they will create opportunities for work. Remember before Reagan when a household income had to be earned by one bread winner who could go out and make a decent wage, get raises that would keep up with inflation and put a little aside for a rainy day? Now thanks to our policy of giving all of the money to the rich both parents in a family have the opportunity to go out and try to do those things—many of them right here in America!
We oppose taxing the rich, because we oppose taxing anybody. The government doesn’t have any business taking our money. The only thing the government should do is guarantee our right keep and bear arms, stop abortion and ban gay marriage. We in the Tea Party believe that if the government does the first one, volunteers can . . .uh . . . take care of the rest. Besides, if the rich horde all of the money, gold and jewels, it will be that much easier to organize the looting, in 2012, when the Mayan calendar says society will break down.
We believe our borders should be secure, but do not believe they should be made secure by keeping people from crossing them. In fact, the more people who are there to use our borders the more witnesses we will have if anyone does try to sneak across. And we especially oppose the use of the term “illegal alien.” It is demeaning. We used to prefer “undocumented alien” but then we realized that you could only call them aliens if you could prove they were undocumented which you couldn’t because unless you were sure they were aliens you couldn’t ask them for their documents. So now we want to call them ambiguously geo-located, potentially documented quasi-indigenous humans, but we are having trouble getting that on our signs.
This is a serious problem that needs to be addressed at the federal level so that state and local authorities in Texas, New Mexico and Arizona can go back to focusing on rooting out homosexual sodomy wherever it lurks. We support loosening restrictions on INS agents so that they can stage more effective raids on those people who sneak across our borders to steal jobs and drive down wages. We will even coordinate our efforts with the owners of the industries who sneak them across in the first place, so they can drop this batch of illegal’s off on the same trip they take to bring back the new ones. That will save gas—get the environmentalists off our backs. Think of it as Cap y Trade!
First, we are tired of being demonized by the left-wing liberal media who portray us as racist, xenophobic and unconcerned with anyone’s rights but our own. That is not who we are, and that is not what we represent! Having said that: shoot ‘em on sight!
We support all forms of witchcraft that emanate from Wiccan earth celebrations and new age tree spirits. Also the kinds in books by J.K. Rowling and Ruth Chu. You have to be willing to risk an eternity in the burning torments of hell if it gets a kid to read.
Generally no. Unless they are hot witches like the ones in Charmed, or . . . there was this dancer when we went to that West Hollywood strip club with Mike Steele who called herself Boobarella! We support her.
We aren’t witches. Really, we aren’t. But yeah, you betcha!