My Psychic Predictions for the New Year:

In an effort to beat the December crowds, I am coming out now and publishing my psychic predictions for the beginning of 2011. What an exciting year it has been! Who can wait to see what the new year holds. Now you don’t have to:

(Remember, psychic predictions are only for entertainment purposes. The posting of these predictions does not constitute any belief in psychics or paranormal experiences of any kind by Word Press or its employees!)

Politics:

Christine O’Connell will be seated as the new Senator from Delaware. She won’t win the election, but she will lie and say she did, and enough Delaware citizens will passively believe her that she’ll get away with it.

Speaking of O’Donnell, once she has taken her oath and cannot be removed from office, she will publicly declare her allegiance to the Wicca demon lord Beelzebub! The consensus on the right will be that, hey, at least he’s in the Bible.

Republicans will sweep through the elections and regain both houses of Congress—leaving many aged, Democratic ex-Congressmen little to do but sit in the park and spout their political opinions to the pigeons. Within weeks, rabid gangs of tea party activists will storm the parks and beat them savagely after charges of legislating from the bench.

The Congress will push through a right to life law so stringent that the only women who will be eligible for abortions are college interns whose CEO lovers have assured them that “everything will be all right.”

The “Don’t ask; Don’t tell” initiative will be renamed “Don’t even bother to ask.”

When asked what was the turning point of the race, new Governor Carl Paladino of New York will say it was when he answered Cuomo’s charges of buying favorable treatment in Albany with a vicious purple nurple.

Within days of taking office, Sharron Angle will use her influence to force Nevada to pass the most stringent anti-illegal alien legislation in American history. Within a month all of the illegal aliens in Las Vegas will have been deported. Within another month, Las Vegas will change its slogan from “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” to “If It Happens in Vegas, You Will Have to Clean It Up Yourselves.”

Oh . . . and yes. That guy who parks your car will be Carrot Top.

Having lost the will to keep up the fight, left wing blogamatrix Arianna Huffington will close up shop and go back to her old job—calling children’s birthday parties as that character from The Aristocats.

In sports:

The Steelers will meet the Eagles in the 2011 Super Bowl. The night before the big game, the teams’ star quarterbacks will go to out for Dallas’s Deep Ellum Bar and Grill’s famous “Angry Dog.” When asked the next day how the meal went, Vick will swear he’s a vegetarian, and Roethilsberger will say, “I never laid a hand on the bitch.”

Also in sports, once great golf legend Tiger Woods, who had to forfeit the last round of the Ryder Cup, in Wales, when he snuck away to try to dry hump Nessie, will tragically hang himself from one of the majestic trees of Torrey Pines after his 19 year old porn-star girlfriend dumps him for a Swiffer Wet Jet.

The New York Yankees will win their 28th World Series and second in a row. A few days later, the team and the city will jointly announce the plans for the parade. People should bring their own confetti and sprinkle it over their own heads as whatever players are available cruise by in their Escalades. Only people who had put down their $2,000 sidewalk square deposits, in June, will be eligible to attend. The event will be financed with a minor 13% one-time renters’ tax surcharge.

In Celebrity News:

Bill Maher will return to his popular HBO comedy show Real Time. Sadly however, Maher will be a lot more pious and self-righteous than funny, and people will grow tired of him.  Actually, that is less a psychic prediction than a bittersweet realization. Let’s face it; its been coming for a while.

The biggest tragedy of the New Year will be when rangers find the dried and desiccated bones of missing actress Lindsay Lohan, who had disappeared into the Anza-Borrego Desert State Park a few weeks earlier.  Authorities will return to Los Angeles where a judge will give the bones probation if they promise to go to rehab.

And last but not least: What will the new year bring for Barack Obama?

After the election, Obama will have become such a lame duck that he will give up and move the Oval Office to Martha’s Vineyard full time–where he will delight the locals and become the unofficial Mayor of Inkwell Beach. On the first day of tourist season, even though there had been sightings of a 30-foot long great white shark, Obama will declare the beaches safe and show his confidence by frolicking with one of his daughters in the surf to pose for photos.  Four horrific hours later, he will take his wife and remaining daughter back to Chicago, where he will spend the rest of his days writing books—leaving home only once a year to visit T.E.D.

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About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
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One Response to My Psychic Predictions for the New Year:

  1. Tana Hoy says:

    I like your humorous approach to these topics. Very entertaining. 🙂

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