Exclusive Leak: the New Apple Holy iBle!

The news out of Cupertino is that despite persistent rumors of some sort of Apple streaming TV, Steve Jobs has something far more ambitious in mind for this September’s product announcement. My confidential sources tell me that the rumors are true.  For most of Apple’s loyal fans, a new product announcement is a nearly religious experience. Apple’s next product will take that to the next step, because in just a few days Apple will remove the word “nearly” by marketing a complete, bug-free state-of-the-art, totally integrated religion in a box—the Holy iBle!

Let me be a little more specific. This September, Apple will introduce the Holy iBle—a completely self-contained e-reader on which will be loaded a comprehensive, all inclusive spiritual ontology capable of transforming any human consciousness into a self-perpetuating center of personal and social fulfillment—customizable to one’s own personal needs, yet scalable to a global level.

The idea for the Holy iBle came out of a talk given by Jobs and sponsored by Adagio Tea at last year’s Jakarta Unlimited Dialogic Arts Symposium. While many of the presentations at JUDAS were inspiring, Jobs’ was the most positively received. In it he explained that people no longer want to be tied to a brick and mortar religious experience, with commandments that seem as though they were written in stone. They want to be able to access their religion wherever they go. The Holy iBle will give people the portability lacking in most of the desktop religions that presently dominate the marketplace of ideas.

There has been some speculation about why Apple is putting out another stand-alone device so soon after the wild success of the iPad. To them Jobs will say that this is a complete philosophical and teleological system of personal and communal behavior and eventual eternal salvation. You can’t build something that all-encompassing into an app. He has promised however that the Holy iBle—like all of the earth’s great religions—will come with wi-fi and Bluetooth connectivity and that in his words all of the other products in the Apple line “will be able to sync seamlessly unto it.”

There has been no word on peripherals, but a couple of application titles have been leaked. One is a personal productivity package called iMACulate Conception, intended for brainstorming, planning and project planning. Another, tentatively titled Mohammpad will allow dual booting in the iBle’s OS and those of all of the other dominant recognized religions. There will be no camera or photo software, because imaging is punishable by eternal damnation (slightly less than eternal if you choose to buy the optional Applecare warranty). There will however by a plentiful supply of religious music and podcasts available for download from the new BeatiTUNES media center.

The Holy iBle will only come in one size—believed to the seven inch spot that falls between the iPod and the iPad in the product spectrum. The name Holy iBle is official and should put to rest the rumors that the device would be called the Book of Jobs–which according to the Apple CEO “would just be stupid!”

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About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
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