The strategy is simple yet sublime in its evil genius. Having had their nefarious plot to recapture the Southern United States by re-insinuating themselves into American political life through the nefarious use of “anchor babies”—tiny little roadside IACs (incredibly adorable combatants) who would grow to adulthood and bring themselves and their extended families onto the voter rolls–the Mexican people have put into operation Stage Two: Los Spermos peligroso y magnifico! Aka The Fallopian Beanfield Wars, aka Viva Zygota!
The plan is muy elegante! Instead of bringing their own wives across the border and bearing their children here, Mexican men have begun a process of wooing unsuspecting American women in both countries with their Latin charms and cold smooth Dos Equis beers, then smuggling Los Spermos peligroso y magnifico into their unsuspecting wombs. Each American woman–already an unimpeachable American citizen– will then give birth to a “Boathouse Baby. It’s not just an anchor baby; it already has a place to stay! These insidious little Speedy Nogales’s have a genetic code already wired with a three stage evolutionary agenda—Inseminate, Infiltrate, Ingratiate!
How do we counter this insidious plot? There is no time to waste. We must at once pass and enforce the following laws:
Cop a Feel; Feel a Cop! The Don Juan can’t score if he can’t get to second. Make it illegal for a female American citizen to let a foreign national come into contact with her “lady parts.” This isn’t even just about politics. It is also good hygiene. Remember ladies, these days if you have sex with a man, you’re having sex with everyone else he has every attempted to use as a clitoral courier–aka “muff mule.” It is not just your right it is your responsibility as a citizen of this great land to make sure a man is a patriotic America with good intentions. Let your watchwords be: Are you wearing a condom, and who is our 27th President? If he don’t say Buchanan, don’t let the man in!
Delivery Room Language Screening! Legislation is underway that will make English the official language of American birth canals. With current technology, we can determine whether that thing that just tunneled past the labia minora is a miraculous bundle of joy or a diapered Diablo, before mom gets attached (or reattached) to it. The process is simple. When the doctor slaps the baby’s behind and it begins to cry, the attending nurse will turn on the speech-to-text software that will be mandatory in all delivery rooms. If the text reads “Waa! Waa! Waa!” Mom and baby are free to go, but if that insidious upside down exclamation point appears anywhere in the text, its Adios, Dora the Abhora! (hippies who birth at home will be required to use the new gynolinguo smart phone app available for both Apple and Android operating systems.)
I know what the leftist infant huggers are going to say—spatial profiling. They will tell us that people are being singled out for investigation not for what they might have done, but because of how much space they take up. That is simply not the case. No baby will be tested simply because it has just been born. Police and hospital personnel have been trained to look for specific telltale signs of disorientation, confusion and inability to process basic instructions. It will be just like administering an incubator-side DUI test.
What can you do about this? Write or text your congressman. Refuse to vote for any candidate who won’t take a firm stand on the issue of Malevolent sperm.
Say No way, Jose! To la bebe!