Sarah Palin’s Stepford on Avon, Part 2: The Balcony Scene from Levi and Juliet.

JULIET:

What man art thou, that, thus bescreened in night,

So stumblest on my counsel?

LEVI:

It’s just me, and I’m not “bescreened” by anything but this idiotic privacy fence. Is your mom tearin’ it down when that reporter leaves?

JULIET:

My ears have yet not drunk a hundred words

Of thy tongue’s uttering, yet I know the sound.

LEVI:

What? You’re drunk? I’ll be right up!

JULIET:

Art thou not Romeo, and a Montague?

LEVI:

Our engagement was in US Weekly. I think we can drop the code names.

JULIET:

How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?

The orchard walls are high and hard to climb…

LEVI:

I brought the truck.

JULIET:

And the place death, considering who thou art,

If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

LEVI:

Dude, we’re over 18. Your mom will get over it or she won’t.

JULIET:

If they do see thee, they will murder thee.

LEVI:

And call it a hunting accident. I know. They’ve already tried.

JULIET:

I would not for the world they saw thee here.

LEVI:

Yeah, I’m right there with you on that. So sneak down. We’ll go out, get a six of Gold Rush and . . .uh . . . run the Iditarod, if you know what I mean.

JULIET:

By whose direction found’st thou out this place?

LEVI:

Okay, you know its me, right? You’re just jerkin my chain?

JULIET:

Thou knowest the mask of night is on my face;

Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek

For that which thou hast heard me speak tonight.

Fain would I dwell on form–fain, fain deny

What I have spoke; but farewell compliment!

LEVI:

Oh! You’ve already got your zit cream on.

JULIET:

Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say “Ay;”

And I will take thy word. Yet, if thou swear’st,

Thou mayst prove false.

LEVI:
Baby, yes I love you, but I’ve been swearing like an ice-road trucker since I was six, and that ain’t about to change.

JULIET:

O gentle Romeo,

If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.

Or if thou thinkest I am too quickly won.

LEVI:

Too quickly won? Honey, that ship has sailed!

JULIET:

I’ll frown and be perverse and say thee nay.

LEVI:

Well, there’s a first time for everything.

JULIET:

What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

LEVI:

Now we’re talking!

JULIET:

I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:

and yet I would it were to give again.

LEVI:

Yeah, man. You were like all over me. But hey, I dig aggressive women. And since we’re on the subject of giving it again, that’s sort of why I’m here.

JULIET:

But to be frank and give it thee again.

And yet I wish but for the thing I have.

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,

My love as deep; the more I give to thee,

The more I have, for both are infinite.

I hear some noise within. Dear love, adieu!

LEVI:

Oh crap! Is it your dad? Is he packin’?

JULIET:

Bondage is hoarse and may not speak aloud.

LEVI:

Yeah, if you’re doing it right. I mean, we could try—

JULIET:

What o’clock tomorrow

Shall I send to thee?

LEVI:

Let’s see. I have LaCrosse practice from 9 to 11. Then lunch. Why don’t I just call you?

JULIET:

‘Tis almost morning. I would have thee gone.

LEVI:

So no little sumpin-sumpin for the effort?

JULIET:

Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow

That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

LEVI:

Yeah? For cryin’ out loud. Why am I marrying into this psycho f&^ckin family again?

Advertisements

About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
This entry was posted in satire and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s