The Phoenix Theater of the Fence Presents: White-Side Story, Part I: The Jute Song

BIFF

Hey, Joe Bob! Looky, the boys is playin’ soccer.

JOE BOB

Hey, Biff, don’t you mean fute- ball?

(all of the Jutes laugh)

BIFF

Last time I checked this was a football field, not some South American, New World Order Soccer field.

PASTY

Well, actually boss, they do put soccer goals up during the sum–

BIFF

–Shaddup! Did youz forget you’re a Jute?

PASTY

No boss.

BIFF

’cause when you’re a Jute you don’t have any patience for soccer.

PASTY

Why not, boss?

BIFF

Because!! It’s like this.

When you’re a Jute, you play ball with your hands,

while the chicks with big racks rouse the stiffs in the stands.

A Jute tackles hard. If you’re hurt, he don’t care.

They absolved him of guilt with an opening prayer.

We’re tackles and blocks.

We play to hurt each other.

They’re jerseys and socks.

Go cryin’ to your mother–

and kiss your brother!

Then you’re all set.

You’re a stud. You’re the best.

The boosters give urine in case there’s a test.

When you’re a Jute you play for pay!

PASTY

But Biff, it looks pretty hard kickin’ the ball that far and doin’ those helicopter kicks.

BIFF

Yeah?

PASTY

Well . . .

BIFF

Hey, guys, Pasty wants to be a socca playa.

PASTY

I didn’t say that, Biff.

BIFF

Well you better not. Cause there’s a whole lot more to bein’ a Jute than just sports.

PASTY

I know, boss. Like what?

When you’re a Jute, you’re a Jute all the time

from your wife-beater tee to your white collar crime.

When you’re a Jute, the world’s open to you,

’cause your hair’s dirty blond, and your eyes baby blue.

We’ve more than our share.

We’re here and here we’re stayin’.

Although we’re aware,

our demographic’s greyin’–

Hey, I’m just sayin’!

When-you’re-a-Jute-you’re-a-Jute-till-you-die.

On-American-dirt-‘neath-American-sky!

If you’re a Jute you get your w-a-a-a-a-a-a-y-y-y-y-y-y-!!

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About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
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