Know Your Illegal Immigrant!

The State of Arizona has a big job ahead of us! We have enacted the most assertive illegal immigration law since Jim met Crow. The front line of our war on the ne’er-do-wells who want to clog up our wholesome American with melting pot with Charro Beans will be staffed by officers who know the difference between asking a person to prove he is a citizen (which is wrong) and catching a person pretending to be one (which is God’s work). We have ninety days to get the squad up and running, so we need people like you–IF you have what it takes! Want to find out? Learn the following guidelines.

  1. Illegal immigrants have to take jobs that Americans don’t want. If you suspect someone of being an illegal alien ask him about his job. Arrest him if he claims to do any of the following:
    1. Works as a day laborer.
    2. Runs his own delivery service.
    3. Teaches inner city high school math.
  2. A Conservative Congressman recently said you can spot an illegal alien by looking at his sneakers. He was right. Inspect the suspect’s shoes. Arrest him if they are:
    1. Water-stained.
    2. Encrusted with red mud.
    3. Tied.
  3. The recent illegal alien may not have had time to acclimate to local customs. Arrest any Mexican-looking person who displays:
    1. A lack of coordination with his surroundings.
    2. Trouble making change.
    3. Table Manners.
  4. Buying and licensing a car is too big a risk for most illegals, so they tend to rely on mass transit. Question anyone on a bus who:
    1. Keeps asking if this is Cholla Street.
    2. Sits near the driver and stares straight ahead.
    3. Is listening to an iPod that you can’t hear.
  5. People who sneak across the border can’t carry a lot of supplies, so how a person is dressed might be a clue. T-shirts will probably be from second hand stores or Mexican knockoffs. Here are some general guidelines.
    1. USC–No problem.
    2. Hootie and the Blowfish–tase him!
    3. Notre Dame–he’s legal, but tase him anyway.
  6. Old habits are hard to break. Listen to your suspect interact with others, and wait for him to slip up. Arrest him as soon as he utters one of these non-American words:
    1. Manana.
    2. Ahora.
    3. Please.
  7. While many Hispanics follow American sports and major movies, they are not as up to date on less available popular culture. If you suspect a woman of being an illegal immigrant, test her with these phrases:
    1. Can you believe what happened yesterday on Guiding Light?
    2. I really enjoy falling asleep to Conan on the Tonight Show.
    3. I would so do John Gosselin!
  8. Without a home to go to, new illegal immigrants seek to blend in at public places. An especially popular one is the local college campus. Look for a person with an:
    1. Open book that isn’t being read.
    2. Apparent lack of concern for the time.
    3. Adult attention span.
  9. Having trouble finding suspects? Go to TGiFriday’s on a busy night. Sneak back to the kitchen and look for someone who is:
    1. Sneaking a look at her Spanish-English Dictionary.
    2. Asking her fellow waitress to help with a vague instruction.
    3. Working.

Quick One-Question Quiz!

Most illegal Aliens are brought to this country by rich southwestern businessmen who want to exploit them for their cheap labor and inability to unionize. If you come across a truckload of illegal aliens containing evidence tying them to such a person, what should you do?

Get the names of the illegals, let the truck go, and try to round them up later.

Hold the truck and call for back up. . .


Sorry! You were doing so well. You saw the correct answer (A.) and did not immediately identify it as the correct approach. This indicates that you probably don’t have what it takes to be an immigration enforcement agent, in the state of Arizona. Thanks for trying though. Report to Traffic Duty.


About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
This entry was posted in Opinion, satire and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Know Your Illegal Immigrant!

  1. Matt says:

    As if we weren’t behind enough on kids knowing calculus. And I can’t help but wonder if this law is really integral, or if it won’t make a single differential in the immigration debate.

    • brad says:

      Enough with this crap! You spread lies and deceit. Look at all of the anti-immigration rallies that are going on today. Oh yeah, we are all working at our jobs to pay for them and the police escorts today. Look at all of the immigrants being shot in Arizona. Yeah right. It is the immigrants that are shooting honest cops and ranchers. Time to send all of the immigrants back to where they came from. Time to stop supporting them and giving them all of the free services that belong to real AMERICANS!


      • bigshotprof says:

        Thanks for your comment. In reply I would like to make two points. First, the satire here has very little to do with immigrants. It’s just a light-hearted jab at the average American (manners, tied shoes, etc.). Second, and more to your point, I don’t really think it’s fair to lump people who rightly or wrongly sneak across the border to find work with violent drug dealers and their soldiers who come here deliberately to commit crimes. Those are the people who are committing the violence. You wouldn’t call the the 911 hijackers “immigrants” would you? Keeping the lines unmuddled is the best way to come up with a workable solution. In any case, I sincerely thank you for your opinion.

  2. jg sak says:

    immigration policy does not need too be fixed it just needs too be enforced.
    I am a first generation born in the states.
    Late 40’s and early 50’s my parents arrived in New York, thru Ellis Island. It took years to obtain a visa, and this was only thru a sponsorship program which guarenteed them a job for at least 5 yrs, upon their arrival. like many from their country they settled in the midwest , and had many neighbors of the same ethnic cultcure. Of course being born here, I did spend my first 6 yrs speaking our language in our home, but the one thing my parents always stressed too me was that when I walked out of our home we are AMERICANS and you only speak English. My first days in school was hard, I did not leave the house much and speaking english was not perfect, but my parents did not go to the school district and demand we have an interpretor so i can keep up with all the better english speaking kids in class. we had our traditions, but my parents always celebrated the American traditions as if our own. they never believed the United States owed them anything, they always said they owe the United States.
    I realize that time and ways of thinking have changed since the 50’s. but one thing hasn’t , the rights and laws that govern us.
    To say that so many people cross our borders just too find work, their good people, doing meanial jobs others don.t want, I respect that. I don’t like the fact that they feel we owe them this ability. Or the fact that they shout and say hey you need too make it easier for me too be here, you need too speak my language, in your schools, you need to change your way of life just so i can have what you already have, you need too celebrate my traditions, just as you celebrate yours.
    The one fact that everyone seems too stay clear of, is by law you cannot cross our borders without proper documentation. there is a set of guide lines, and requlations that must be enforced. Once these people cross our border undocumented, they are Criminals, nomatter how good their intentions are, trying too take care of their families, and so forth.
    As long as their are borders, there are laws, and they must be maintained.
    Now if we decide to jump into the future, where there are no borders, no countries, no conflict, and we all carry universal translators, so we can all understand each other, great, I’m all for it, But it just isn’t so. So until then lets just obey the law. It’s not complicated.

    • bigshotprof says:

      Your points are well-stated and well-taken. I would only quibble with a couple of points. The first is that I don’t know how many illegals think we owe them anything. I think for the most part they just hope they can get what they need. Second (and you didn’t speak directly to this but I imagine you consider it) by our rule of law even criminals–and especially suspected criminals–have rights. On those issues they do deserve to demand their rights be respected. It’s a difficult problem; it will be interesting to see how it plays out.

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