The State of Arizona has a big job ahead of us! We have enacted the most assertive illegal immigration law since Jim met Crow. The front line of our war on the ne’er-do-wells who want to clog up our wholesome American with melting pot with Charro Beans will be staffed by officers who know the difference between asking a person to prove he is a citizen (which is wrong) and catching a person pretending to be one (which is God’s work). We have ninety days to get the squad up and running, so we need people like you–IF you have what it takes! Want to find out? Learn the following guidelines.
- Illegal immigrants have to take jobs that Americans don’t want. If you suspect someone of being an illegal alien ask him about his job. Arrest him if he claims to do any of the following:
- Works as a day laborer.
- Runs his own delivery service.
- Teaches inner city high school math.
- A Conservative Congressman recently said you can spot an illegal alien by looking at his sneakers. He was right. Inspect the suspect’s shoes. Arrest him if they are:
- Encrusted with red mud.
- The recent illegal alien may not have had time to acclimate to local customs. Arrest any Mexican-looking person who displays:
- A lack of coordination with his surroundings.
- Trouble making change.
- Table Manners.
- Buying and licensing a car is too big a risk for most illegals, so they tend to rely on mass transit. Question anyone on a bus who:
- Keeps asking if this is Cholla Street.
- Sits near the driver and stares straight ahead.
- Is listening to an iPod that you can’t hear.
- People who sneak across the border can’t carry a lot of supplies, so how a person is dressed might be a clue. T-shirts will probably be from second hand stores or Mexican knockoffs. Here are some general guidelines.
- USC–No problem.
- Hootie and the Blowfish–tase him!
- Notre Dame–he’s legal, but tase him anyway.
- Old habits are hard to break. Listen to your suspect interact with others, and wait for him to slip up. Arrest him as soon as he utters one of these non-American words:
- While many Hispanics follow American sports and major movies, they are not as up to date on less available popular culture. If you suspect a woman of being an illegal immigrant, test her with these phrases:
- Can you believe what happened yesterday on Guiding Light?
- I really enjoy falling asleep to Conan on the Tonight Show.
- I would so do John Gosselin!
- Without a home to go to, new illegal immigrants seek to blend in at public places. An especially popular one is the local college campus. Look for a person with an:
- Open book that isn’t being read.
- Apparent lack of concern for the time.
- Adult attention span.
- Having trouble finding suspects? Go to TGiFriday’s on a busy night. Sneak back to the kitchen and look for someone who is:
- Sneaking a look at her Spanish-English Dictionary.
- Asking her fellow waitress to help with a vague instruction.
Quick One-Question Quiz!
Most illegal Aliens are brought to this country by rich southwestern businessmen who want to exploit them for their cheap labor and inability to unionize. If you come across a truckload of illegal aliens containing evidence tying them to such a person, what should you do?
Get the names of the illegals, let the truck go, and try to round them up later.
Hold the truck and call for back up. . .
Sorry! You were doing so well. You saw the correct answer (A.) and did not immediately identify it as the correct approach. This indicates that you probably don’t have what it takes to be an immigration enforcement agent, in the state of Arizona. Thanks for trying though. Report to Traffic Duty.