Mr. President, Board of Trustees, All You Blame-America-First Communist Faculty Members, Parents and of course the Graduating Students of UC-Stanislaus, I just wanna say I am so proud to speak to you today that my pride alone could fill the double-wide, first class seat on the Hawker 800 private luxury jet you rented to get me here! Especially coming to a school named after that great humanitarian, Stanislaus. Makin’ all those toys, and giving jobs to all of the little tiny people who wouldn’t get work without him. Takin’ care of those reindeer! What a great humanitarian!
Before we do anything else, I want each of you graduating students out there–you know who you are—to find your parents in the crowd and thank them! That’s right. You are only here today, because your parents spent around $75,000 to get you through four years of college. That’s a lot of money! Come to think of it, that’s what you’re paying me for ten minutes of speakin’ atcha. So thank ya moms and dads. Nothin’ is more important than family. A lot of you know that I left my job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time with my family. It’s tough though, what with all the book signings and speech givin’ and my new job at Fox. But, hey, family! I see ‘em when I can.
I loved goin’ to college. Bein’ at college, not so much, but I loved goin’ to college. That’s why I went to five. My first year, I left the country and studied abroad at Hawaii-Pacific, although I don’t know why they called it Hawaii-Pacific. I mean heck, it’s an island . . . near the Pacific. Is there a Hawaii-Atlantic? I doubt it. Maybe when I leave the White House I’ll go there for a few months of grad school—not that I’m runnin’. I’ll letcha know. After that, I went to a two-year school in Idaho for a year. Todd used to call it “I’m a HO!” That’s what first attracted me to him. Then there were some other schools. It all runs together. I guess the point is: College is good! You all sittin’ down there should go home today with a commitment to do whatever it takes to see it through to the end and graduate!
Hey! You know the difference between a soccer mom and a pit bull? A pitbull can’t keep those funny square hats on at graduation! Even with bobby pins. Sorry, I love that one.
I made a lot of friends while I was in colleges–some in classes, some in the dorms. Mostly the fraternity boys who would help me move my boxes to and from the car. I had friends who studied medicine, because they wanted to protect us from disease. I had other friends who studied Criminal Justice, because they wanted to keep us away from criminals. I studied Journalism.
What I am here to talk about today is—whoa! Was that ten minutes? Well that just flew by! A couple of yer trustees and I are goin’ over to a donor’s house to plan a recall vote against that duly elected socialist Nancy Pelosi. So I gotta run. Hey, I know, but a contract is a contract. If I go overtime today, the next audience is just gonna demand that I give a complete speech when I talk to them! Where will it end?
I guess I oughta leave you with somethin’. Let’s see . . . What would be one thing I could advise you to . . . Abstinence! Yeah, that’s it. Nothing is more important to a young person who is going out in the world to start a career and family than not having a bunch of unwanted kids. I’ve seen first hand the horrible costs of a baby having a baby. First there’s all of the bad feelings, cuz you have to overwork the nanny. Then there’s the big blabbermouth baby daddy going all “they’re out to get me” and takin’ his pants off in a magazine and showin’ them big ripply teenage muscles. It’s . . . ahhh, yeah . . . completely inappropriate! And what does the young unwed mother have to show for it—other than spots on a bunch of national TV shows and her own Public Relations firm?
So, graduates. In summary, stay in school, don’t get knocked up, and Hawaii is an island. Hope it was worth it for ya! It was definitely worth it for me! Se Ya! Bye! Buy American! Drill, baby drill!