Jesus Packed a Side Arm: An Ode to the Militia Movement

Jesus Packed a Side Arm.

An Ode to the Militia Movement.

Did you know Jesus packed a side arm?

The Bible says he did.

Its not mentioned in the scriptures, ’cause he always kept it hid.

All right, it wasn’t real. I just mean that Christ the Lord

knew how to get his point across, how not to be ignored.

Jesus packed a side arm.

Not a real one, that’s true.

But all the same he knew the facts confronting me and you.

And, though he didn’t spell it out, I’m certain, were he here,

he’d thank his dad his Christian soldiers wear survival gear.

Jesus packed a side arm.

Liberals call that metaphor.

He didn’t carry one himself, but knew what was in store.

He knew the New World Order would replace the Pharisees.

That Boutros-Boutros Pilate meant to bring us to our knees.

He knew the mongrel citizens who mock and persecute us.

would gather ’round and supplicate the Democratic Judas.

So while he wore his crown of thorns and suffered their suspicions,

his plan for us included barbed-wire fences and munitions.

Jesus packed a side arm–in his attitude at least.

He always had a parable to pistol-whip the priest

who tried to get the upper hand by quoting Jewish text.

He’d lay one out, then squint his eyes as if to say, “Who’s next?”

But Jesus knows that times have changed, and Jesus understands

that we have got a much more potent problem on our hands.

So now that times are diff’rent, there’s a different solution.

The parable has been replaced by writs of execution.

So Jesus never blew up trains nor wore an army boot.

So Jesus had no summer camps to teach the kids to shoot.

So Jesus never filled a truck with fertilizer fuel,

and sparked it near a building that contained a nursery school.

God told Jesus three short years were all that he could get.

He had no AM radio, TV or Internet.

So Jesus did the best he could. He moved who he could move.

We’ve just gone the extra mile; we’re sure he would approve.

‘Cause Jesus wore a side arm.

Jesus was a stand up guy.

He walked upon the water just to keep his powder dry.

The Book of Revelation said he would return some day.

That all the unclean heathen types would fin’ly have to pay.

We are the chosen people of the real promised land.

So what if there’s a half-crazed bunch of Klansmen in command.

Though we tread the valley, he is with us on the trip.

And just in case, we’ve chambered one with fourteen in the clip.

Jesus knows our movement has emboldened his crusades,

that where he lobbed beatitudes we’d prob’ly lob grenades.

Where Jesus told the tax collector “Come down from that tree.”

we’d have a sniper cap him so he couldn’t use his knee.

But we’re a peaceful Chrsitian group. We have no dark intrigues.

If Jesus reappeared, he’d surely do so in fatigues.

Jesus lived in simpler times, in times of sand and wood.

But he’d have holstered magnum force if God had said he could.

You see Jesus packed a side arm.

Though he loved the angels’ choir,

we’re sure he also craves the rythmic snap of small arms fire.

If Jesus were on Earth today, he’d use a different jolt,

replacing Paul and Peter with a couple guys named Colt.

Now we lay us down to sleep, upon our beds tonight.

We pray the Lord our souls to keep–to keep them lily white.

For as he hung upon the cross his covenant did bequeath,

To give us warmth and daily bread and arm us to the teeth.


About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
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