Title: Contriver: Season One—Empty Vessels.
Producer: Mark Burnett
Star: Sarah Palin
The Pitch: It’s Survivor meets the Miss South Carolina Beauty Pageant with just a dash of Fatal Attraction.
The Format: Ex-Governor Sarah Palin will mentor ten contestants—or Wassilabees—who have wanted to be just like Sarah ever since they found out that she got free clothes and didn’t really have to cook as much as she let on. Each week the Wassilabees will be given a challenge. For instance, in the first episode each contestant must find a loveable small town mayor who hasn’t missed a church service in thirty years, then use corporate campaign contributions to convince his constituents that he is a baby-eating Satanist.
At the end of each episode, the contestants will be judged by the panel of experts: Sarah, Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter. (Originally Sarah was to be the only judge, but Burnett brought Malkin and Coulter on board after they offered to do the show for one bag of oats apiece.) The panel will critique the contestants on their deviousness, callousness and total lack of shame. Points will be deducted for lapses into sincerity or any sign of a conscience.
At the end the panel will vote on which contestant will be sent packing on the “Going Rogue” tour bus. The contestant does not officially “fail” or “lose.” She just decides that it would be better for her family and her constituents back home if she left the show before it was over. (Legal Disclaimer: Just like their idol, the contestants never actually ride the bus; they are just photographed getting on and off.)
The remaining contestants prepare for next week’s challenge by talking behind each other’s backs in the “spin room” then blaming the liberal media for trying to break them up.
Special Rule: Each week, the panel will also pick a Challenge Winner. The winner will receive a “Scapegoat.” In the event that a contestant is voted off and has a scapegoat, instead of getting on the bus she can throw her scapegoat under it.
Additional Program Note: Contriver has already been endorsed by The PTA, the New Life Nondenominational Church, and the United States Supreme Court.
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