Hello, humans. I am God, and I have a few things I would like to get off my omnipresent chest. When I heard Bigshotprof was going on hiatus from social media for a while, I asked if I could use his space, and he was happy to oblige. I mean, let’s face it. I’m God. A guy with that much baggage is going to be happy to oblige.
I know what you’re thinking. I know what you’re thinking not just because I am God, but also because what you are thinking is pretty obvious. If the all-powerful creator of the universe wanted to communicate with the people of Earth, why would he pick a blog that draws maybe five or six people on a good day? Well, that’s my style. I have traditionally worked small. Remember Moses? Audience of one. Burning bush. I had 3-D HD back then, but I didn’t use it. Know why? First of all, I am pretty sure he would have stolen the glasses. Second, for reasons that I will make evident in a few moments, small works better than big.
Before I get started, I want to officially thank Bigshotprof for letting me piggyback on his space. I am grateful for his generosity. That is not to say however that Bigshotprof has won any points. He clearly has some work to do. First of all, he needs to stop calling people delusional , wacky, and shrill. I would also like to know what a fifty seven year old man is doing with that many Wonder Woman comics, but that is for another time.
I am here, now to just spend a little time with you humans—to tell you generally how I feel about what you are doing with the bounty I have provided. Not here to preach, mind you—just to let slip a few gems of wisdom.
Before I make with the wisdom though, I want you to think about me—think about what it would be like to be an all-powerful, all-knowing deity. In charge of everything. Master of time and space. Possessor of limitless power. What would make someone like that get up in the morning? What would motivate God?
Let me save your little monkey brains the trouble. The only challenge available to an all-powerful being would be the challenge of recreating himself (yeah, yeah herself. I’m really beyond that quibbling). Do you understand what I am saying? Of course, you don’t! You don’t understand why a warming planet creates more snow! So forget trying to comprehend the reason for my plan and just focus on trying to understand what it is. My goal is to try to recreate myself. My goal is to create a set of conditions and rules, then put them into play and see if those conditions and rules evolve into . . . wait for it . . . me! Get it? What could challenge God more that recreating himself? What could be more fun for an all-powerful being than to create a reality, point to it, and say, “Make me!”
You want the secret of the universe? You want the grand plan? That is it. I am trying to make me—not exactly me, but a me that enjoys long walks on the beach and never tires about hearing about my childhood.
What you have to understand is that this game only works if I refrain from just making things so. Micromanagement is off the table. I never get involved in the day-to-day. That would ruin everything, so don’t hold your breath.
What I have done is this. I have created a nearly endless universe of different sets of rule and conditions. There are multi-trillions of planets revolving around trillions of suns, each of which is controlled by a set of randomly assigned conditions. I am watching all of them to see which one will be the first one to recreate me. At this stage, you aren’t really doing that well. The people around the fourth planet of Zeta II already have flying cars! To be fair, they don’t have gravity, but still, they are far more advanced than you.
Why am I telling you this? Because there are rules in this game. There are conditions that have to exist to make it fair. Those conditions, as it turns out, are relevant to your comprehension of how you are supposed to—for lack of a better term—worship me. So I am here to set them down for you. Call them hints. Call them clues. Call them stern warnings. But whatever you call them. TAKE HEED!
First, there is no proof! I am never going to give you verifiable evidence that I exist. I am never going to support belief beyond a shadow of a doubt. Why? Think about it. When push comes to shove it is all about faith. To put it mildly, you are all pretty pointless creatures. Nothing you actually do means anything to the universe as a whole. All that matters is what you intend. It is your intention to do right. It is your belief that there is more to this existence than you can understand that matters—nothing else. If I gave you proof that I exist your intentions wouldn’t matter. Who could possibly have access to the master plan and NOT go along? Who could possibly understand the cost of the eternal emptiness of rejecting my grace and say “Yeah! Sounds good to me!” It is only because you don’t know—that you can never know—that your intentions matter! No proof! Not ever, not no how. If someone says he has proof of my existence, run for the hills. No proof, ever!
Second, it’s a book! It’s a book like any other book. Why do you insist on treating it like some special kind of book? Think about the average really good book—The Iliad or East of Eden. Books start out with people in turmoil. Everything is going well, then all of a sudden everything goes wrong. Let’s say, I don’t know, you have a perfect existence, then a bad guy comes along and convinces to you do something that gets you kicked out of your perfect existence. That’s a good story! If you were reading that story, you would be thinking “Goodness! Will they ever get back to their perfect world? Will the evil character that tricked them pay for his misdeeds?” You would enjoy the story. You would also recognize that stories are about what we become, not about what we are. Not every single line in a story is true. Some people who mean well do wrong. Some people who have authority accidentally misuse it. That’s part of what keeps us reading up to the part that matters.
I give you a great story, and you decide that every single little part of it has to be literally true, and worse literally what I want you to believe! Are you insane? (That’s a rhetorical question; compared to the amorphins of the zeptron system—whose only technology by the way is what you refer to as the “slinky”—you are completely insane.) I don’t want you stoning people! I don’t want you killing people! I don’t care what fibers you put with other fibers. I don’t care how you cook your food. Most of all, let me repeat I don’t want you stoning people! Stoning is stupid! For cryin’ out loud! Books are not truths. Books lead up to truths! Why should you believe me? Because I wrote the book! Why should you believe I wrote the book? Because Disney hasn’t gotten the copyrights to the story yet. Only God could prevent that!
So what is the point of the book? The point of the book is that after all of the wars and persecutions, and affairs, and floods, and people getting drunk and sleeping with their daughters, this guy is born and grows up to impart a very simple message: Get along. You’re gonna take some crap, but get along. You’re gonna give some crap, but get along. Don’t judge people who aren’t like you. That’s my job. Don’t be my vessel on Earth. If I want a vessel on Earth, I will come back and take control of some halfwit’s blog. And stop asking for stuff. If I made anything clear in the book it is the exact stuff you are supposed to ask for—the precise wording of the only prayer you should utter. And the words “smite my enemy” aren’t in it.
Let me repeat: The whole point of that huge book is, get along. Two words. If that isn’t sacred enough for you, “Thall Shalt get along!” If anybody ever holds up a Bible and tries to tell you it says anything else, you have my permission to snap it shut on their nose.
Third, Don’t speak for me. Let me make this clear. I have never given guidance or information to anyone that I haven’t given to everyone. If you don’t know it, they don’t know it. It’s as simple as that. I understand that recently some bonehead claimed that I would actually murder 200,000 innocent people because a few people a lot of years ago made a pact with Satan. Are you kidding me? I would do that?! Let me make two things abundantly clear:
- That guy has not met me, and
- That guy really does not want to meet me.
It might be harder to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven, but the richest man in the world could drive a Hummer full of hookers through the eye of a needle, before that lunatic sees wrought iron one of any pearly gate. As me is my witness!
Fourth, Don’t be an idiot. You know what I mean. You know when you’ve gone too far, and you do it anyway. Let the kids read Harry Potter. They are fun books, there aren’t really wizards, and they celebrate Christmas! Come on! I gave you common sense! Use it! I gave the lizard people of Tinulon-12 flippers that can propel them through methane. What they really wanted was common sense. You got it. Use it!
Fifth, the end times won’t be coming until the end, and the end is a long way off. Stop preparing for Armageddon, and start living in the now. I gave you play doh, I gave you white water rafting. I not only gave you the Zither, I gave you the word zither. Go on . . . say it out loud. Zither. You’re anxious to leave a world with the word zither in it, because sometime things don’t go exactly as you planned? Get over it! Zither!!
Well, that’s about it. That is all I have to say. Heed my words. I won’t be back to speak with you again for quite a while. I have to jet over to the other side of the Andromeda galaxy. Turns out there is a civilization over there where if you get sick they won’t make you well unless you give them money! Can you believe some people? Hey, I do what I can.