The Updated Republican Purity Test.

The New Republican Purity Test

Fill in the blank:  Glen Beck is a _____________________ lunatic.

  1. Raving.
  2. Sputtering.
  3. Full-Service.

Who among the following would be the best-qualified expert for teaching about the creation of the Earth, in high school?

  1. The late Stephen J. Gould.
  2. Renowned Harvard earth scientist Claude Allègre.
  3. Mid-wage bronto-crane operator Fred Flintstone.

Which of the following would be the best way to include the Log Cabin Republicans into the new, more supportive garden of Conservatism?

  1. By explaining to them that sometimes one has to put off fighting for potentially divisive personal agendas to promote core foundational long term values.
  2. By showing them the moral errors of their thinking on traditional marriage and the sanctity of man-woman relationships.
  3. As mulch.

Which of the following best describes how the Teaparty Movement can help the GOP reclaim the Congress and the White House?

  1. By continuing to show up in solidarity all over the country.
  2. By using their local and statewide organizations to get out the vote.
  3. By being the same witless, easily manipulated dupes they have been all along.

What do you think will be the most important consideration for the future arising from the Supreme Court’s expansive decision on the Constitutional rights of Corporations?

  1. To be sure the Democrats don’t try to steamroll legislation eroding those rights before the midterm election.
  2. To be sure the heads of major corporations are constantly reminded that The Republicans are the party of business.
  3. To keep an eye on “Johnson” & “Johnson” in case they get any ideas!

Which of the following best represents the party’s position on the all-important question of abortion?

  1. Do everything we can to overturn Roe v. Wade.
  2. Continue to drive home to our children the fact that abortion is genocide.
  3. Continue to look the other way when Abortion Doctors are assassinated in churches, because they are terrorists!

Give yourself  1 pts for ans 1, 5 pt. for ans 2 and 10 pts. for ans 3.

Subtotal  ______

Subtract the stated number of points from your sub-total for each of the following things you have done:

  • Trolled for gay sex in an airport bathroom. (1)
  • Left your wife for your mistress while your wife was dying of cancer. (1)
  • Used government money to fly to South America to meet up with your mistress. (1)
  • Outed a covert CIA agent during wartime. (You decide—on the honor system.)
  • Taken bribes in the form of home renovations. (1)
  • Sent sexually explicit emails to teenaged boys. (1)
  • Been Olympia Snowe. (50)

You must have 20 points to be a real Republican!   Total: __________

Welcome, one and all!


About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
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One Response to The Updated Republican Purity Test.

  1. Greg Clark says:


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