The Prostate of the Union: What We Want From You, Mr. President!

Hey, pal. You asked for the job, so buck up. Things haven’t gone your way? Tough! This is the United States of America, at the gateway to the 21st century. We ain’t your father’s Oldsmobile. We want what we want; and I am not surprised that in the rarified air of Washington D.C. you have no idea what that is. So I am going to lay it out for you. You have a couple of years left to get it right. Get to work.

  1. Stop trying to use the government to solve the problems of every jerkwater outpost in the country, but stimulate my job and subsidize my crop and don’t even think about closing my base.
  2. Give us a grand vision for where our great nation is headed, then make sure it gets there for us with as little inconvenience as possible.
  3. This is the greatest, most freedom loving nation in the history of the world; if anyone disagrees lock him up.
  4. Subsidize more small business loans and tax breaks for big companies that try to keep jobs here in America.
  5. Support more stringent copyright and patent laws, so companies can make greater profits over a longer time from their innovations.
  6. This is a capitalist society; stop meddling in business!
  7. We’ve added five or six miles per gallon to the efficiency of engines by using testing methods that aren’t even close to accurate. Do  more of that in other areas.
  8. Flag pins! They aren’t just for election year.
  9. Stop trying to deny the fact that this has been a Christian nation since the days of the Atheists, slave owners and serial adulterers who founded it.
  10. Solve all of our pressing national problems, but don’t change anything about the way things are.
  11. Make our science teachers admit that the world could . . . just could . . . be only 6,000 years old.
  12. Stop allowing people from India, China and Japan to come here and take all of our high tech jobs.
  13. If other countries won’t stop hating and fearing us, make them regret it.
  14. Use your obvious rhetorical gifts to inform and inspire us, but not during our favorite shows.
  15. We are really angry about two things, the fact that you broke your promise about being more bipartisan and the fact that you keep kowtowing to the other side.
  16. Get outside the beltway and among the real people, but stop traveling all the time.
  17. Even though your adversaries score points in public with overly-simple, idiotic cure-all plans, don’t succumb to that temptation.
  18. Tax the rich!
  19. Fix our schools, but stop shoving your fancy book-learnin’ down our throats.
  20. Try to be more inclusive, but you’d better not forget the people who elected you.
  21. We think in slogans, please speak in slogans.
  22. re: the demand above–Don’t condescend to us.
  23. Stop treating us like children!
  24. Divert some of the natural resources budget to building ATV snow mobile trails in the national parks.
  25. Most of all . . . Make us great without making us have to BE great.
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About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
This entry was posted in democrats, Opinion, satire, schools and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The Prostate of the Union: What We Want From You, Mr. President!

  1. Neelofer says:

    I’m a fan of numbers 2, 15, 19, and 25 especially.

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