Note: This column is SATIRE generated in response to an assignment made in one of my college classes. It has no basis in fact. The people and events described are TOTALLY fabricated. The photos were acquired from public domain sites and are IN NO WAY associated with the events described.
Several apparently unrelated incidences of spontaneous violence followed the release on March 9, 2009 of a photo depicting what scholars at Land o’ Lincoln University believe Jesus might have looked like had he lived to celebrate his fortieth birthday. Within hours protests erupted at multiple locations in at least four countries, including a demonstration by 400 Southern Baptists outside the Eden in Bedrock Religious History Museum in, Tupelo Mississippi.
The most violent protest was in the ex-Soviet Satellite, Ahndekistan, where military officials removed an incendiary device from a local farmers’ market and exploded it at an abandoned airfield. Protesters at the site disavowed responsibility for the bombing and claimed that they had only assembled in such large numbers because “Monday is green mung bean day.”
Reverend Ithzak Biggmustachy of the Institute of Orthodox Revision says that while he does not condone violence, he can understand what the fuss is about. “There is nothing in the gospels that condemns such speculation. In fact, our position is that any attempt on an individual’s part to try to approach the humanity of the savior is a good thing. Our main concern was that while our scholars believe these people got the hairline correct, the weight is an issue. The Lord depicted in the gospels would never have let himself go like that.”
Land o’ Lincoln Public Relations spokesperson Durhti Bahm defended the right of the people involved to engage in such matters of “academic speculation” but promised that the process according to which such data is released to the public would be reviewed. “When you are talking about something as sensitive as the Bible” Bahm said, you don’t want to get involved in any brush fires.”