First I have to apologize to Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo, the authors of He’s Just Not That Into You for latching onto their gimmick. They are the real experts here. After six years of fanning the flames of cultish obsession who better to write a book of advice about how to get over your cultish obsession?
So I want to make it perfectly clear: This wisdom is theirs, these guidelines are theirs. I submit my application of them only out of heartfelt concern for all of you who went wild during the social Oborgasm of 2008 only to find yourselves adrift and alone in its aftermath . . . waiting by the punchbowl next to Lydell and Erleene as all of the popular kids once again got asked to dance.
“He called Hillary? After she phone-sniped him, in Pennsylvania? OMG!!”
“Gates is still in Defense? After he gave it up to Bush at the U.N.? Gag and waterboard me with a spoon!”
First of all, Gates didn’t “give it up.” It doesn’t count if its only oral.
Second, ‘fraid so. January as come and gone. The collector coins have disappeared like $5 corsages on the day before prom. The fresh blood and news ideas you were sold for a year and half resulted in nothing more than a Chinese fire drill on the Billionaire Bus. Change always meant rotate the volleyball team; it never meant cut down the net. Oh, and before you even think it, how “Chinese fire drill” be racist since by now the Chinese own the bus, the fire and the drill?
Don’t believe me? Think I’m cynical? Keeping Hope alive? Observing “wait-a-hundred days before you ask them out again rule?” Fine. Thought you might. Let’s check with the folks who wrote the book.
Do They Call You?
Remember all through the summer and fall when the phone would ring, and it would be all about you?
“So, what do you do? What do you like? What books do you read? What would you say if you found out B. Hussein Obama had taken folk dancing lessons with Bill Ayers?”
When did the phone stop ringing? Some time in November? Right around the fifth? They’ve probably just been busy at work. You know how they get when they’re transitioning.
Do They Only Want to See You When They’re Drunk?
Was Senator Inhofe sober when he said that prisoners at Gitmo “were treated better, in terms of living conditions, than our own troops?” Was it Senator DeMint who said “There are already people rioting because they’re losing their jobs while somebody else is being bailed out!” or was that Senator Creme DeMenthe? If he’s straight, what must Barney Frank sound like when he’s high?
Are They Selfish Jerks, Bullies or Really Big Freaks?
Ex-Senator Tom Daschle won’t be picking you up this weekend after all. Turns out he had gotten so many goodies from one of those powerful entrenched interests he was going to let you watch him tame that just the taxes were near a hundred large. A car worth that kind of dough had better come with turbo-boost. I’d like to elaborate on bullies and freaks, but I can’t. I signed a binding non-disclosure agreement with the producers of Real Housewives of Wasilla.
Face it, hon. The Party’s over? Was that you in those 3-D glasses at the White House Super Bowl Party or Arlen Specter? Are you delusional? Are you insane? Let’s put it this way. Bill O’Reilly recently said that Obama may not be “living in the real world” but I’ll bet you next month’s unemployment check that he gets a call before you.