Bah! Humbug! 2008

It’s the night before Christmas, and I’m on the shelf.
Should I suck the exhaust pipe or just hang myself?
I’d like to be jolly and say things are great,
but we’re in the recession of 2008.

I know what you’re saying: Stop whining, you jerk!
Your shop runs on magic, and elves do your work!
Yeah, it does. Yeah, they do. But see that’s not the trap.
I guess you forgot: I DON’T CHARGE FOR THIS CRAP!!
There’s no revenue stream. There’s no money to make.
I show up and the whole friggin’ world’s on the take!
Oh, and one other thing, though I don’t like to shout:
IT’S BEEN 800 YEARS SINCE MY PENSION RAN OUT!!
So what it comes down to, if you haven’t guessed,
Is we live on the interest from what we invest.
And if you think there’s cash in our portfolios
Then you’re laying your ass cheek upside of your nose!

It began with what Jim Cramer told me to do.
I bought Bear Sterns at sixty and dumped it at two.
When I’m done with that jerk, he’ll think coal lumps are great.
He’s getting uranium 238.
And it’s just gotten worse with each stock that I try.
Place my bet, they’re all wet; I get in they go dry.
Been so long since a margin call I could convert
That my broker put me on an amber alert.
Got a lemon in Chrysler, an Edsel in Ford.
My SAS stock crashed into a fjord.
My Merrill was lynched and my Merk made me sneeze.
My Cherokee stock is on two wounded knees.
My Northern went south, Perrier hit a drought.
Then my Bally hit snake eyes, and now I’m tapped out.
They foreclosed on my suit, it’s just as I feared.
A guy with a razor just repo-ed my beard.
Think it couldn’t get worse? No more bombs left to throw?
Mrs. Claus and Mark Cuban just took off for Stowe.

And I’m standing here at the end of the day
Facing eight tiny deer and a toy-laden sleigh.
Now I have to put all of my problems aside
And steel myself for my annual ride.
So I’ll pick up a draft, and I’ll soar through the skies
And make sure every kid gets a Christmas surprise.
As I travel, I’ll plan. I’ll come up with a few.
Hey, I’m Jolly Saint Nicholas; that’s what I do.
I’ll retrieve my resolve and I’ll think really hard.
Know this broker named Madoff—yeah! I’ve got his card!
What?
Indicted for Fraud? Billion bucks in the hole?
My bells just stopped jingling and started to toll.
I guess in the end I’ll just do what it takes:

Can I interest you folks in some fresh reindeer steaks!

Merry Christmas!

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About bigshotprof

College Professor in the Communication Studies department at Pace University. My personal life fall somewhere in the gap between less than you want to know and more than you need to know.
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